It’s my favorite month! Yayyy! I love January, I do think it is the best month. It is hardly to do with the fact that it is but my birth month. Maybe some part of it is related to the fact but majorly it is because January always feels so fresh. It indicates start of something new, we are all excited with high hopes and high spirits! Most importantly, I always have some trip planned during this time. That makes it my most favorite time of the year. That and ofcourse winter season. I mean, in bombay, we hardly feel cold but all the same I love it.
However, right now it is not cold and it breaks my heart that I have nothing planned, no trip in sight so far. It just makes me sad every now and then. I know there are bigger worries but a heart wants what it wants! Waking up anxious every morning even though I only fall asleep because I am tired of thinking and overthinking how this entire year could be a dud because of how it has started. There are some parts which are good but when what you love the most goes wrong, the other niceties just fade. You know what I mean? All I want is to not have my head so heavy and anxious all the time. It is starting to physically hurt.
Sometimes I think it is also because I expected this year to be extra special, every occasion of this year to be celebrated by doing what we like, doing what makes us happy. I hate celebrating my birthday, I do, which is why I always planned a trip and ran away to places where no one knows it’s my birthday. It served two purposes, I was traveling and no one around fussed about birthday. It was the only way I looked forward to my birthday, every year. Since last 6 to 7 years or maybe more. It was either that or I went to work where no one knows my birthday. That is the tradition. While 2021 is a small milestone for me personally, clearly universe has other plans. I dread each day as I get closer to my birthday about being forced to celebrate it. The anxiety is real and it makes me weep.
Ugh, this post is so sad, I hope I write again soon in this month itself and have something nicer to say. I really don’t want January to be like this. It sucks.
Anyone who is a big fan of FRIENDS would have understood this reference. While Jennifer Anniston is my favorite actress, I really did not like the character of Rachel per say. I loved how Jennifer acted and could watch her scenes on repeat but Rachel? Nah. I think that is the reason when Monica decided to move in with Chandler and she tells Rachel about it which ends at this sentence “It’s like an end of an era!”, I did not really feel anything.
I was like, they are still going to hang together. She was not even moving anywhere far. But now, when I am stepping into something new I am very scared that I will fade out. Very very scared. I love my friends, A LOT! While I know adulting involves more and more responsibilities, changes are bound to happen. However, I don’t want anything to impact my friendship with them. So, I will be moving a little far from them physically and I naturally am scared that this would push me away emotionally too. Frankly, I have not been great at long distance relationships. Whether those were friendships or love affairs. It is not like I have lost those people, no. It is just not the same. While the distance is really not that much, COVID has just made it worse. I know I am always going to try my best to be as involved (or even more) as I am but there is something about change that nags at the back of my mind. It scares me that I have no idea how things will unfold.
I have always been scared of change to be honest, not in the way that I don’t like it but in the way that I don’t want to lose myself in that change. And well, I could never be complete without the presence of my loved ones. So it is really selfish if you think about it, I don’t want to lose them so that I can preserve myself!
Let me end on a quote by Joey, “There is no such thing as a Selfless Good Deed”. Do you agree with him? Do tell!
Last three days have been crazy busy. I have either been planning my activities for next week or worrying that nothing will work out. Crazy!!!! I really have no clue where this post will take me but I just want to talk about what happens when you procrastinate and it is not because of yourself!!!
I am a person who likes things planned and in place well in advance. My advance is a bit too much, I agree but it harms no one. Call me proactive, call me weirdo or call me a monster, I need things planned. When I was thinking more on why do I like that, I was also confused if we can call this behavior as “being a control freak”. Control freak? I hope not. My need for having things planned is to calm my nerves and anxiety that something could go wrong. It sucks, living like this. I can plan things which are in my control, which don’t involve someone else. How do I do this for an activity that involves other people? Not everyone feels the same way, some people decide it right at last moment, some a little in advance (i am jealous of the balance this group has) and some just don’t decide. How do I work around that? It sucks. Sadly, the trouble does not end there. I am also skeptical about thinking too much or discussing too much about it. Even that makes me nervous. So is there anything left which does not make me nervous? Penning this is making me realize I am a freak-show (hehe).
So, I had stopped penning down at that point and I am resuming again after some hours. I read it again and my view on myself (lol) is that I am this anxious because the things I am planning for mean too much to me and have the power to hurt me a lot. My anxiety is peaked because this matters the most. I need it to be right. Nervousness is bound to happen right? However, I need to do my best and then hope that things will fall in place. All this worrying sucks and makes me a wrecking ball. I want to have a clear head where I am enjoying the process rather than worrying about it. Starting now, I will try to make everything I do fun and a turn it into a good memory. Too many people I love care about this as much as me and they wish the best for me, I will remember this when I worry next.
PS: If you know someone who likes planning things in advance, please help them in every way you can. It means the world to them (and me).