“Hi, so what’s the issue”.
“This is my regular check up. No issues per say. Although my periods are delayed but that is because of hormonal disorder for which I am already being treated”
“Late hua hai period? Are you sexually active?”
“Yes and yes (beetroot red)”
“Are you married?”
“Pregnancy ho gayi toh kya karogi? Test kia hai? Shaadi kab hai?” (All this after I have mentioned that I have been diagnosed for hormonal disorder)
“I–” (I was too stumped at the questions so literally dumbed out for a min)
“TEST KAR LO BETTER HAI. Now, anyway, let’s do your regular checkup”
I awkwardly stared at the other girl (probably a nurse) to leave before my check up starts.
“Wahan pant and panties utar kar let jao” (yep that was her sentence).
I highlighted that the door is not locked, upon which the nurse went and shut it. I am till date thankful to that girl who was nursing there as she made sure I had (whatever little) privacy I could get. I went to the farthest corner, undid my pants and laid down for check up (this was obviously my first time with this doctor and I was scared to death)
She came, checked my clit very roughly and started taking out medical instruments which looked very scary and when I said “give me a min to process and tell me what you are doing” she said and I quote “sex kia hai na and iss se issue horaha hai”. She went on to do the checkup without pausing.
Post which she just went to clean her hands and asked me to get dressed. She simultaneously called for next patient, while I was still on the stretcher, half naked. Nonetheless, I dashed for my clothes and out of the room once I wore them within seconds.
It was not hurtful, physically I mean. Just scary and traumatizing. Just. Till this date, I have no idea whether I can say with assurity that I was violated. I felt violated, that is for sure. But was I violated? I don’t know. Why am I unsure? Let’s see, so she was a woman, a doctor and the last person I should have to lie to or hide facts from. Yet, I felt that I was judged, manhandled, humiliated and insulted. What deductions do I make? The only thing which seem to have rubbed her the wrong way was me having sex before marriage.
Now, hear me out. I am a girl, judgement and bias is nothing new for me. People have been biased AGAINST me a lot of times. I have expected it and handled it. Maybe even given it back to them then and there, whenever situation allowed me. So yeah, I am not timid. I know how orthodox mentality works. Still, I could not tell her how wrong she is. Because her stature caused me to doubt myself. What shook me and has me still shook is that she is educated, knowledgeable and her job is to treat me WITHOUT bias or judgement. The same is the condition with a lot gynaecologists in india and if being at such responsible job cannot make them understand, with what hope do I expect the ‘mohole wali’ aunty to be non judgemental?
I want to be hopeful and I want to understand where her judgments come from but my empathy is failing me here and I am not sure what to do about that.