Not today!

17/100

How many punches can someone take? Not literal ones or okay as a metaphor let’s say literal ones. How many can one take? There is a limit to it, right? One is bound to fall and feel the pain. Such is life, some would say. However, why is life so unfair to some people? Some face a lot more punches from life than others. Some people learn to overcome it, some glorify pain and some just don’t know what to do with it. If you check the definition of pain “sadness that you feel when something bad has happened”, it hardly covers the depth of the word. “Something bad”, it feels so meager. Pain comes with dark and annoying thoughts, pain comes with a feeling of failure and loss, pain comes with someone else’s sadness, pain comes with someone else’s happiness too, pain makes us act out, pain comes with helplessness. A word that describes so many terrifying things cannot have a simple definition.

There is no rulebook on how to deal with pain. Mental health is the worst affected when you are in pain. If you think about this logically, mental health is what needs to be attended to, whether you are in pain or not. You must seek a therapist, you must speak to people who will listen and who you think might help. This is all very easily said but application? Not so easy. One who experiences pain does not always think logically and they cannot be expected to think straight. Yes, talking to someone helps but they might not wish to talk to anyone. When in pain, everything can seem like a task and it drains you physically and mentally, so to additionally explain someone else why and what happened can be a huge task. When you add this to the fact that someone has had to face this particular punch from life multiple times, you cannot imagine the pain this can cause. I have read it how they explain in books, pain so deep that it cannot be described.

It’s really difficult to know this and yet to just let people be because that is what they wish. It is also incredibly selfish in a way that we want to know and help just so we can cure our anxiety about them. If you have done your best but somehow feel that there is something you have missed and some resentment from the other side, even then we need to let people be. Yes, you care but that is secondary. Yes, you love them but that too is secondary. Everything is secondary to what the person who is in pain wants. That resentment against you can be solved when they are in a better frame of mind, since there is so much love, you must wait. Sometimes, all you can do is wait. Be on standby silently and wait for them to return.

Would like to end with a slight tweak in one of my most favorite quotes, “What do we say to the darkness? Not today”

The need to feel loved!

8/100

I am sure I have penned on similar topic earlier as well as this is one of the constant struggles I face and even something I am sensitive about.

Isn’t it weird that even though we know we are loved by our closed ones but we still need to feel loved? I am not entirely sure, if it is a want or a need. I am hoping I am not alone that struggles with this. Yes, it is amazing to have people who love you, knowing that they love you. It is a blessing. However, it’s only human nature to expect that feeling to be validated once in a while.

I don’t think it is the big fat gestures that do the deed, it is the genuine admission of love when least expected, it is making someone feel like they are a part of your life, involving them in those small things you do, sharing mundane thoughts that cross your head with them. It’s all this for me. People who yearn to feel loved always make others feel loved, isn’t it? However, the major disbalance occurs when the person who does this is taken for granted and there is nothing from the other side. People want you to believe that they love you and yet there will be no effort from their end towards the same, it is really hard to stick around then. You just need to hang on to the words that there is love. It is only when there is a revolt that they will rush to prove that they love you too, that is neither fair nor is it love. It is just the need for that person to continue showering love on you that is making you do this.

If you genuinely consider this human need to feel loved, it also stems from lack of self love. I don’t think this is true entirely, but to major extent it does seem correct. It is said that if you love yourself, you will not need others to show you love. While I agree that we can be happy if we love ourselves, I would still say we need other humans, their love and support. Self love is important as it is the only thing which will push you to know when must you step up and leave. It is that love for your own being which will help you place yourself over others.

It is so bitter to have to choose to either love yourself or love someone else as the two cannot coexist due to lack of efforts from the other side and if you are facing that choice between yourself and someone, are you loved by that someone and do you love yourself if you choose to stay?

Too close to home!

2/100

I have already been struggling looking at all the misery in India due to second wave of covid. Whilst am trying to help people, it is not systematic and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. But you do what you can, so I am trying. What comes with it though is realizing how many people are suffering, how uncertain life is and how inadequate we, as country, are medically and structurally. While this is harrowing enough, things got too personal this evening. My friend’s mom is hospitalized and although she is doing better, the hospital has made us aware of shortage of one of the medicines she needs. Since then we have been trying to source this medicine with no luck. To imagine that a big portion of my country is going through this is simply terrifying.

There is no other thought in my head except that I need to help in everyway possible. If you heard my voice on call now, you would hear panic, hurt, fear and despair. I am scared and numb at same time. I am praying that my next lead pans out, praying she gets better. Lot of prayers and positivity for her. However, this is not how it is suppose to be for anyone. This thought is always there nagging at the back of my mind fighting with another thought that we cannot change what has already happened and we just need to work to fix the current situation.

While I continue this internal war, all I want is safety and health for my loved ones. Whoever reads this, please pray for health and safety of those affected.

It always comes back!

Does everyone have that one memory/incident, or multiple even, the one we never talk about? It can’t just be me. It is a bad memory. Sometimes, I want to talk about it hoping that would make it go away, like it almost makes it’s way out but something holds me back from sharing. At other times, I just don’t want to talk about it. It will take everything down with it. It terrifies me, thinking of consequences if it came out? It’s been so long, I keep hoping it would fade with time. It doesn’t. Will it ever go away? I always wonder as an after thought to this dreadful memory. I am never trying to recall it, never. It is always an unwanted feeling, distasteful, sad and yet it is, maybe, one of the most consistent flashbacks. At 3am tonight, I am wondering when did I decide to keep this a secret? Why did I decide that? I know why I don’t want this out now, that is clear. But why even then? I could have shared it. Instead, I pushed the entire episode to the back of my system, locked it in an old memory box, threw it’s keys into abyss, filled my heart with so much love and other memories and yet it pops back, kind of like “remember me” by Jim Moriarty. Or like my head is being forced down the Pensieve. Weird how brain works, like me looking for an analogy for a memory I hate so much. Someday, someday I would like to question the other person, do they remember this the way I do? What’s their side? Does it make them sad too? Tell them what it does to me, maybe then I will be able to let it go. Maybe then, it won’t come back.

It’s January!

It’s my favorite month! Yayyy! I love January, I do think it is the best month. It is hardly to do with the fact that it is but my birth month. Maybe some part of it is related to the fact but majorly it is because January always feels so fresh. It indicates start of something new, we are all excited with high hopes and high spirits! Most importantly, I always have some trip planned during this time. That makes it my most favorite time of the year. That and ofcourse winter season. I mean, in bombay, we hardly feel cold but all the same I love it.

However, right now it is not cold and it breaks my heart that I have nothing planned, no trip in sight so far. It just makes me sad every now and then. I know there are bigger worries but a heart wants what it wants! Waking up anxious every morning even though I only fall asleep because I am tired of thinking and overthinking how this entire year could be a dud because of how it has started. There are some parts which are good but when what you love the most goes wrong, the other niceties just fade. You know what I mean? All I want is to not have my head so heavy and anxious all the time. It is starting to physically hurt.

Sometimes I think it is also because I expected this year to be extra special, every occasion of this year to be celebrated by doing what we like, doing what makes us happy. I hate celebrating my birthday, I do, which is why I always planned a trip and ran away to places where no one knows it’s my birthday. It served two purposes, I was traveling and no one around fussed about birthday. It was the only way I looked forward to my birthday, every year. Since last 6 to 7 years or maybe more. It was either that or I went to work where no one knows my birthday. That is the tradition. While 2021 is a small milestone for me personally, clearly universe has other plans. I dread each day as I get closer to my birthday about being forced to celebrate it. The anxiety is real and it makes me weep.

Ugh, this post is so sad, I hope I write again soon in this month itself and have something nicer to say. I really don’t want January to be like this. It sucks.