Happy Birthday!

88/100

I have been MIA here for a couple of days and that’s because it’s my favorite person’s birthday today so obviously lots of things were happening, all at once. I just asked him before starting to write this post as to how his birthday was and he says he had fun! Yep, a man of few words!

The most tiring thing was making a comic strip on our love story from scratch! When I say I have had sleepless nights, it means I either slept a couple of hours or did not at all for straight 48 hours. It is VERY HARD and for someone who has made nothing EVER, it was even harder. I tried finding existing templates to make my job easy but they were really not useful because my purpose was to recreate the actual scenes via the comic and existing templates were not even close. Whild I had the idea for so long, I kept procrastinating thinking I just have to add the avatars to template! But my, oh my, this has made me respect those who make actual comics so much!!!

This is one of the pages!

While I was still skeptical of my work and as always, over analytical, friends who saw this asked me who I got it made from!! To have people think this was done by a professional is so overwhelming that I couldn’t believe it my self. He himself knew I was working on something on my own and has been insisting I start this as a business now! I don’t think that is a good idea because of how much work I had to put into it and for days!!!

Anyway, all worth it when it makes the other person happy as that was the only aim. Do wish him in the comments so he feels even more special than he already does! 🙂

My personal favorite page!

Where it all started!

83/100

It’s my partner’s birthday on Sunday and that is all my head and day is occupied with lately! I want to do something special for him but I am really short of ideas!!! He will be reading this (he is my first reader and proofreader too) so please pay extra attention to the point that it has been hard planning anything!!! However, why wait till Sunday to make you feel special? I am in a happy mood today so have decided to share how me and him actually met. It will be a story for you all and trip down memory lane for him! 🙂

So, 2018, picture a girl dancing with her office friend on an empty road as their car had taken a stop before the final picnic spot. This said friend was recording the said funny dance and posted it on her social media where it caught the eye of a boy as girl’s office colleague is boy’s college friend. Who could have imagined this? He texts asking about the girl in the video to his friend and says he would like to speak to her (Talk about going straight for the shot, eh?). So, I was still merrily enjoying my office outing when I was told about this random boy and how he “liked” my dance or video or whatever it was! To be honest, my first reaction was “okay”. Like, fine a guy liked my video, no big deal. I did not even think much over it when this colleague (our common friend aka cupid) told me he wants to talk to me. I was like, huh?? What? Ofcourse, I will not talk and this was it. We spent our office outing enjoying the camping and just like that the weekend was over. What was not over was this common friend’s insistence that I have to atleast speak to the guy, he is amazing and so on and so forth. Just to get her off my back and because I love her dearly, I said okay I will speak to him and she inturn told him to message me. Here is the interesting bit, for someone who wanted to speak to me, this guy took his own time messaging and I am not used to waiting (later it became known he had a hectic work day which caused the delay). So, what do you think I’d have done? I really wanted this done with and never really believed in waiting for the guy to message so I messaged him instead!! In my head, it was suppose to be a quick chat and then bye bye. But here we are, three and a half years later, with me narrating the start of this story!

Love came to me when I least expected it. Least. I was too focused on work and enjoying my life, one trip at a time to get into a serious relationship! He, on the other hand, was looking for a serious relationship. We spoke for about 10 days I guess, video calls and chatting, like it goes before he asked me out on a date. Not in a cheesy way, more like two friends wanting to hang and I said yes because it was not cheesy plus we were going to a flea market so I was really excited about that, apart from meeting him ofcourse! The meeting did not seem like it was our first, I felt at ease immediately and we were talking, roaming and telling stories to each other in no time (I have no clue how he felt but I am guessing it was good for him and you will know why soon!). The best part? Food. I am a hogger and he does not scare easy I guess because he was okay with no matter how much I ate and was willing to check more food options (big big YESSSSS!). It was a cute evening date followed by a peaceful dinner and then we went home. I reached after him as I lived a little farther from where we had been and as soon as I texted him I reached, he asked me if I will be his girlfriend (that’s how I know he must have enjoyed too). While we have had our share of ups and major downs, I am pretty sure that yes was a good decision on my part. How did he know in 5 hours of meeting that he loves me? I don’t know. When I ask him, he says “I just knew”. He is a man of few words and I never stop talking. He hardly expresses and I hardly contain emotions. He is the calm and I am the storm. I can deal with all these opposites! What I cannot deal with is why does he have to add ketchup to everything? It changes the taste!!!

Hope my story brought a smile to your face, I love love stories so do let me know if you have one too?

Time to let go!

65/100

I forgive people very quickly. Like may be even in a snap. Cant be angry for too long. Mainly because I am also on the other side and I know how it feels when you are apologetic but the same is not accepted. I trigger the anger in others too and so I realize that no person will harm the other person on purpose.. But my point here ain’t that. Forgiving is one thing and forgetting, other. I forgive but don’t forget. This does not mean I am some snotty psychotic person who remembers it for a revenge or something. Uhh, no. I don’t even remind anyone or bring it up unless pushed to brink. I just can’t forget. Its there, buried deep in my heart! It shows it’s ugly head when there is something repetitive. It brings up all lost memories (not lost in my case), I feel the hurt all over again! I am perfectly normal with that person, love them just as I did before. No grudges at all. And having these instances stuck in my heart makes me feel like I am betraying them. When I have no hard feelings, why are these ghosts hovering around in my heart?! I have always believed that losing an argument is far better than losing a person, then why the hell does that argument stay with me?! Why do I hold on to it? Is it just me or it happens with everyone?? Most of the time these instances help me in self introspection as to where and what went wrong…and I end up finding my faults! I mean if I was lied to then that’s because I wasnt worthy of the truth! But there is only so much a heart can take! I feel like it’s about time I clear my heart of all past ghosts! I feel like it from time to time. Its need to let go! Let go of things that happened, relations which were not meant to be, people who dont want me, thoughts that do nothing but hurt!!

Only thing is, I don’t know how do I do that!

Breakups are hard!

56/100

I almost skipped my post today and that makes me super sad. However, I am writing now so guess that’s something. Today has been so hectic, my work has been super crazy this week. It’s almost like the more I give, the more this job demands. There is no gratitude but just ask for more and more. Sometimes I hate it. I love being busy and working, I really don’t mind but one must draw the line when you know someone else is taking undue advantage.

Anyway, so today I spoke to a friend and that got me wondering about breakups. They are so hard, especially the ones that are like the end of a good relationship. The individuals involved suffer the most, when the relationship is long and you suddenly have to live without them it’s so damn difficult. Also, when a relationship is being developed, it is not just the individuals falling in love but the mingling of friends and family too. So the breakups are so much more complicated because even though individuals are separated, the love between friends and families does not evaporate. Issues between the couple can sometimes affect other relations. Amicable breakups might not result in ruining friendships and relations between families, if any. However, the rough breakups lead to severe fights, picking sides and a lot of pain on both sides. I believe that love never ends, once you love a person then you cannot stop loving them. It’s not how love works. Yes, the love between them might change it’s dynamics but love never really ends. I am not talking about toxic relationships here, that is not love at all. I am talking about pure love, that essentially never ends. This change of dynamic in love between two people is not limited to them, the friends and relations that we develop during the time are also hit. Some beautiful relations can suffer because the love between two people changed. By no way should one stay in a relationship if they don’t feel the way one is supposed to, I just wish it did not lead to such huge collateral damage.

Gaslighting is a real thing!

52/100

I have been subjected to gaslighting by my loved ones, unknowingly. I don’t think a lot people realize when they are gaslighting others. Maybe the victims also do not know. I wouldn’t have known about this if I didn’t have this habit of reading up on new things. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It is an act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories and basically all the events that occur around them. When taken to extreme, the victim can end up questioning their own sanity. This can occur in any form of relationships, whether they are friends, couples, siblings, parents etc. The most common form of gaslighting is actually known to be found between couples. Partners can gaslight each other thinking it is love and without knowing that it is actually a manipulation. Some of the common signs that can show that you are facing this form of emotional abuse are

  • If you feel a lot more anxious and way less confident than you used to be
  • If you do not enjoy the activities you earlier used to
  • If you think everything you do is wrong
  • If you say sorry a lot
  • If you constantly make excuses for someone else’s behavior
  • If you lie or deny topics to avoid confrontation
  • Doubting everything you do
  • Always feeling that something is wrong

The most common one I have done from this is made excuse for someone else’s behavior. We should never have to justify someone’s basic incapacity. If someone you love (not just your partner, anyone) cannot do basic things and in exchanges makes you feel guilty for expecting them then that is wrong. It is a form of gaslighting if it becomes a constant behavior. We often make excuses, whether to others or to ourself, and justify their behavior to make the relationship work. That is not right. The long term effects of this can be damaging for the victim. It has been observed that people who knowingly gaslight are narcissists. They cannot think about anything and anyone beyond themselves and also have no empathy.

The way out of this abuse, just like any other abuse, is to first realize that it is happening and then moving away from the person. We must choose ourself, keep our happiness at top. Loving someone should not have to coincide with hurting your ownself. Self love is a key to battling abuse as when you love yourself only then can you objectively see if someone else is abusing you, in anyway.

The need to feel loved!

8/100

I am sure I have penned on similar topic earlier as well as this is one of the constant struggles I face and even something I am sensitive about.

Isn’t it weird that even though we know we are loved by our closed ones but we still need to feel loved? I am not entirely sure, if it is a want or a need. I am hoping I am not alone that struggles with this. Yes, it is amazing to have people who love you, knowing that they love you. It is a blessing. However, it’s only human nature to expect that feeling to be validated once in a while.

I don’t think it is the big fat gestures that do the deed, it is the genuine admission of love when least expected, it is making someone feel like they are a part of your life, involving them in those small things you do, sharing mundane thoughts that cross your head with them. It’s all this for me. People who yearn to feel loved always make others feel loved, isn’t it? However, the major disbalance occurs when the person who does this is taken for granted and there is nothing from the other side. People want you to believe that they love you and yet there will be no effort from their end towards the same, it is really hard to stick around then. You just need to hang on to the words that there is love. It is only when there is a revolt that they will rush to prove that they love you too, that is neither fair nor is it love. It is just the need for that person to continue showering love on you that is making you do this.

If you genuinely consider this human need to feel loved, it also stems from lack of self love. I don’t think this is true entirely, but to major extent it does seem correct. It is said that if you love yourself, you will not need others to show you love. While I agree that we can be happy if we love ourselves, I would still say we need other humans, their love and support. Self love is important as it is the only thing which will push you to know when must you step up and leave. It is that love for your own being which will help you place yourself over others.

It is so bitter to have to choose to either love yourself or love someone else as the two cannot coexist due to lack of efforts from the other side and if you are facing that choice between yourself and someone, are you loved by that someone and do you love yourself if you choose to stay?

My lobster is so silly.

We completed 3 months of marriage recently (no, neither of us track it. It’s my sweetheart of a mom who sends me wishes each month and that is how I know). So anyway, I thought this is the best chance to expose and make fun of my “husband” (I swear I am not used to using this word). I have the occasion, I have the content so why not make the post out of it.

Let me start with a small description. He is tall, dark and very handsome and his first impression on people usually is that he is a “man of few words”, shy and a very quiet person. Oh and my favorite (hate it) assumption about him that people make, he is sweet. The only correct thing here is that he talks less. Everything else is just something people assume because he does not bother to correct them. He is a sly man. Time to spill some beans, he is dumb, forgetful, organized (ugh) and a milder version of Monica with regards to cleanliness. I sometimes think he keeps the mop and broom right besides him as it takes him nanoseconds to clean if something gets dirty. Last night we were watching harry potter (his first time) and he fell asleep (who does that????). I, obviously, tried to wake him up from his deep sleep by uttering the words “I am gonna eat on bed and let all the crumbs fall” and what I got from him was “noooooo” in a sleepy voice as he tried to reach for me, he gave up after few seconds and went back to sleep. Oh, he loves his sleep. One night I had a bout of intense coughing right in middle of my sleep. I sat up, tried drinking water and it hardly subsided. I lied back on bed again and this man who is sleeping besides me me, realizes there is some noise, does not bother opening his eyes and reaches for my throat (yep, you read it right) and starts pressing (kind of massaging??) my throat, almost making me choke. I had to yank his hand off me. Now a normal person would have rubbed my back, not him though. He is either dumb or wants to kill me (Lol). His idea of making my back better is to press my hands standing behind me and lifting me up. I am not going to bother you with my thoughts on it. He farts and then says “ooh that was a good one no?”. He eats my share of food without realizing and then says, “oh, you did not eat that?”.

I can go on but then he just hugged me as he came to sit besides me and I just found out that it is a bit hard to make fun of a guy who is hugging you. I don’t want to poke the man who waters my plants, heats our food, deals with my crazy demands (atleast tries) and remembers my medicine more than me. I am sure you have the idea by now so this should be enough, oh I cannot wait for his reaction to this!

PS: if you did not understand the title, watch FRIENDS!

It’s like an end of an era!

Anyone who is a big fan of FRIENDS would have understood this reference. While Jennifer Anniston is my favorite actress, I really did not like the character of Rachel per say. I loved how Jennifer acted and could watch her scenes on repeat but Rachel? Nah. I think that is the reason when Monica decided to move in with Chandler and she tells Rachel about it which ends at this sentence “It’s like an end of an era!”, I did not really feel anything.

I was like, they are still going to hang together. She was not even moving anywhere far. But now, when I am stepping into something new I am very scared that I will fade out. Very very scared. I love my friends, A LOT! While I know adulting involves more and more responsibilities, changes are bound to happen. However, I don’t want anything to impact my friendship with them. So, I will be moving a little far from them physically and I naturally am scared that this would push me away emotionally too. Frankly, I have not been great at long distance relationships. Whether those were friendships or love affairs. It is not like I have lost those people, no. It is just not the same. While the distance is really not that much, COVID has just made it worse. I know I am always going to try my best to be as involved (or even more) as I am but there is something about change that nags at the back of my mind. It scares me that I have no idea how things will unfold.

I have always been scared of change to be honest, not in the way that I don’t like it but in the way that I don’t want to lose myself in that change. And well, I could never be complete without the presence of my loved ones. So it is really selfish if you think about it, I don’t want to lose them so that I can preserve myself!

Let me end on a quote by Joey, “There is no such thing as a Selfless Good Deed”. Do you agree with him? Do tell!