Mommy blues!

Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.

I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?

So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.

I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.