Lately I am losing the will to respond to anyone and anything. I cannot make the small conversations, I feel exhausted just looking at a new text message. Is it just me? I have exhausted all my words and the promises of “yes, will see you soon”, “yes, I miss you too”. How many times can I say it and for how long? Situation is pretty much the same in India and not sure when we will get out of this. Not anytime soon from what I see. We are living pretty much in isolation. Not like I don’t miss people, I do. My words and mental strength is exhausted though. I want to avoid all conversations and just exist without any interference, atleast for sometime. Calls make me anxious, anyway never liked calls so now it’s like a big hurdle. I am someone who keeps a check on people, starts the conversation and wants to know what is going on. I have never waited on people to text me, I just do it whenever there has been some time gap. From that to a person who hates any new messages is a big shift and I am not sure I like it. I obviously blame the pandemic for it, people have nothing new to talk about. We have been texting so much that now it seems like a task. Work has become harder too with no personal interaction. I have never really complained as I find myself luckier than most out there but mental health is equally affected for all and we cannot and should not ignore that. Does anyone else feel the same?
Maybe I am just tired and need some sleep or this is the change we are all seeing? I wish I could pin point on what is causing this but only thing I can relate is that we have exhausted all our options, topics. What exactly should we talk about? Not everyone can do deep conversations, even those are exhausting and have lost context because can we even talk about deeper things when everyone and everything seems to be on a standstill? There are days I get my old mojo back but lately the nonmojo days have increased and that makes me sad.
She was loved by all. Everyone wanted to be with her. She was vibrant in nature so the attraction made sense. Good company to be with. She never knew hurting others or so she thought. She wanted people to be happy. It made her happy to see others happy. But, making everyone happy is impossible. Only if she knew this. Instead, the one’s she couldn’t make happy thought of her as biased. Maybe it was true. There were a few she absolutely loved to see happy. Her heart soared high in happiness when she saw them happy. So she tried more for them. But in process some were ignored, never intentionally. Though not on purpose, people were hurt. Hearts grew apart. That’s when she felt the effect. The distance, the heartache. She felt it all. She didn’t know what went wrong. She could sense people drifting away. She tried stopping them, only separating the already distant hearts more. She was accused. She tried to explain, she failed. She tried to match up, she failed. Maybe trying too much was the problem. But she couldn’t help it. She never wanted this. It broke her. But there were those who still loved her. They supported her. She needed it. Seeing people who once loved her, who she loved, loathing her, blaming her wasn’t easy to live with. But then there were those who cared for her, genuinely. She treasured them. She could survive seeing them happy. She would be the way she is, for them. She just existed, pretending to live. Pretending for those who loved her. Pretending to be happy. She thought it was easier, easier than admitting that she was sad. That would require reasons and explanations, leading to more heartache. No. Pretending to be happy is easy. Yet sometimes, even now, the pretence fades, revealing the real her. She cries. Sometimes its okay to let the tears flow. They flow reliving those memories and with a lot of could-have-been scenarios. But she soon gets back to pretending as life with tears and what ifs and memories is not survivable. Sometimes she is actually happy. At those times, she hopes and wishes that maybe someday she’ll be so perfect at pretence that she might actually end up being happy forever.
My vacation is going good. However, like everytime there is vacation anxiety attached. When we are checking out places we want to visit, there is always a thought of leaving something out or missing out some place. I mean what if that place is superb and we just don’t visit it? That’d make me so sad. Also, sometimes aiming to over achieve you forget to pause and enjoy!! So far, we have stuck to the plan and it’s all so beautiful but anxiety hits when the day ends, forcing me to overthink what coming day holds and what if I goof up on that. The crux of the matter is, I want to see new things and I want to see them all. Earlier, I did not really rest and my vacations were super hectic but that was okay as I was also mentally much stronger. Right now, my mental health needs vacations which are paced well but anxiety makes me want to change the course. Here’s to hope I can overcome my anxiety and enjoy the places I am at 🙂
Posting what keeps me sane during such episodes of anxiety!
I have always loved the cold places, the hills. While I have always wanted to travel around the world, given a choice I always chose cold places. With this love on one side, I did not particularly enjoy beaches. I know how that sounds but I had my reasons. The twist in my story was that I dated a guy who loved beaches. He is the cupid of my love affair with the sea. We visited Goa in monsoon and pondicherry during onset of winter. I fell in love and I don’t mind marrying the beach, haha. If that’s what it takes to be at a beach whenever I want, not such a bad idea? Sunset at the beach is everyone’s favorite. For me, it is what happiness means. While sky has always been my muse, beach sky is a site to behold. My heart is still at the paradise beach in pondicherry, no kidding. Even talking about this makes me so happy and it also makes me long a trip to beach. We are stuck in a stay-at-home situation and sometimes it gets very bad for me mentally. I keep myself in a check by remembering that these problems are not as bad as what some others are facing. But, mental health is not something that is small, I know that too. Weird how a simple thought of a beach trip can solve all my problems and be the bane of all my problems as well. I mean I did not even like beaches to start with! Let me show off my love and hope that you guys will fall in love too. The more, the merrier 😉
I was watching a movie some days ago and in it someone said “friends that we make during our school and college days are the ones that know you truly, the ones that make the most impact”. It might seem like a generic statement to some, for me it is very true. I made the best friends during my school and college days and they have been a big part of my life even after it. They are more like family now.
It’s true that they are the family I chose and there is nothing I wouldn’t do if anyone of them needed it. However, corona and adulting has made it so hard to meet them and it sometimes aches physically how much I miss them. I start going into flashback and reliving the happiest memories I have with them. Even the memories where we fought, were sad are so special. Because we were together. It’s such a luxury now. I wish it was simple like getting in a cab and going to meet them. I would go meet them without second thoughts! Alas, we need to be safe and home. So all I have right now with me is memories. I never cared about the google feature until recently. Now I check everything it shows and even share it with my friends so we can talk about those fond memories. When we met, we were literally jabbering or doing mindless things. We have made such beautiful memories, my heart warms up looking at how far we have come. I have been lucky to have met such strong, beautiful and smart people and never ever thought they will become an inseparable part of my life. You can call me a show off but my friends really are amazing humans and I’d trade them for nothing and noone.
Jeez, I am a fangirl of my friends I guess. I wish there was a guide book to advise how to not let adulting come in way of friendship. Sigh.
Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.
I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?
So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.
I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.