It’s month end!!

97/100

Before I dive into the topic, I have to say what I keep saying “adulting is so hard”. Where is the pause button on this adulting business? Need one everytime I have to plan my finances. I am not a big spender so not like I have to control anything but adulting, in general, is expensive. Feel me yet?

I want to start with a very happy and cherished memory. I am very close to my grandma, like very. My mom worked as a teacher (she is now retired) so I was brought up by my grand mom too. I anyway think my mom is a super mom because I never ever felt like she was not there at any point in my childhood. But, my mom is not a gossiper! She hates being nosy and always allowed me to share what I wanted. This was not the case with my grandma. She wanted all details, which friend is doing what, who said what to whom. Everything. So naturally, I shared a lot with her. I still do. As a retired RO herself, once she is done with newspaper and daily tv, she still needs real life gossip. So yes, since I was so close to my grandmom, when I grew old enough to get pocket money, it was she who I asked. As she was aware of where I might spend it, it was easy to ask her. Not that my dad would have asked me where I am spending, he is a big spender himself so would have been easier to ask him. Anyway, so considering the free yet disciplined upbringing I had, grandma decided I’d get 1000 bucks to start with. I was really small and really had no use except for buying presents for someone I love. So, I started to save it apart from general expense or if I went on any outing. No one asked me to save it, I did that on my own. I remember my grandma teasing me that since I have saved it, there is no need for more money until that’s spent and me crying to mom, announcing how it was unfair. Words like “it’s my right to receive” were used. It made everyone laugh and obviously the money kept coming in. It increased as I went to college and soon after college, I got my first job. My dear old grandma suggested that now she does not need to pay me, to say I was heartbroken is an understatement. Sure, I will earn but how can she stop giving me the pocket money? It had a sentimental value for me. I think she must have seen how hurt I was when my face fell so she said she will continue. I was happy again. Even though I was earning, I don’t think I understood adulting. All the bills at home, even my rail pass (since he got his own, he used to get mine too) was something my parents were taking care of. All I did was bought occasional gifts or ordered monthly ration for home. That too sometimes. Pocket money continued. It has only stopped sometime ago as my grandma said, “you need to give me pocket money now”. Like she would ever need my money! Even now, on birthdays, festivals and just like that too sometimes, they gift me in cash. I never say no, I love getting that. As I said, it has a sentimental value for me. From getting phone from parents to buying phone got them, the roles reversed. But what has not changed is that they are older to me so I still must get gifts from them (being the youngest in the house)!

Cut to now, when I am almost adulting (not really still). Paying all bills, get groceries, it’s all clear on what being independent actually means. When you sit at month end or start to manage the finances, it is a big task. Also the one I really hate. As I said, I like saving. So even checking the options on where to save is so tedious and needs such constant monitoring. Earlier my mom did all the bank work for me, even when I insisted she let me. She said she has more time than me so it’s only logical she helped me, it was true too. I hate monitoring markets, I have a agent who does so for me. I wish there was an agent to manage the bills too! I am already dreading the next salary credit because I will need to sort what goes where!

What’s your idea of financial independence and do you like managing your finances? Looking for tips!

Facade!

81/100

She was loved by all. Everyone wanted to be with her. She was vibrant in nature so the attraction made sense. Good company to be with. She never knew hurting others or so she thought. She wanted people to be happy. It made her happy to see others happy. But, making everyone happy is impossible. Only if she knew this. Instead, the one’s she couldn’t make happy thought of her as biased. Maybe it was true. There were a few she absolutely loved to see happy. Her heart soared high in happiness when she saw them happy. So she tried more for them. But in process some were ignored, never intentionally. Though not on purpose, people were hurt. Hearts grew apart. That’s when she felt the effect. The distance, the heartache. She felt it all. She didn’t know what went wrong. She could sense people drifting away. She tried stopping them, only separating the already distant hearts more. She was accused. She tried to explain, she failed. She tried to match up, she failed. Maybe trying too much was the problem. But she couldn’t help it. She never wanted this. It broke her. But there were those who still loved her. They supported her. She needed it. Seeing people who once loved her, who she loved, loathing her, blaming her wasn’t easy to live with. But then there were those who cared for her, genuinely. She treasured them. She could survive seeing them happy. She would be the way she is, for them. She just existed, pretending to live. Pretending for those who loved her. Pretending to be happy. She thought it was easier, easier than admitting that she was sad. That would require reasons and explanations, leading to more heartache. No. Pretending to be happy is easy. Yet sometimes, even now, the pretence fades, revealing the real her. She cries. Sometimes its okay to let the tears flow. They flow reliving those memories and with a lot of could-have-been scenarios. But she soon gets back to pretending as life with tears and what ifs and memories is not survivable. Sometimes she is actually happy. At those times, she hopes and wishes that maybe someday she’ll be so perfect at pretence that she might actually end up being happy forever.

Forever is a myth, if only she knew.

If we spoke our truth!

78/100

I am sure we have all mused about the fact that what would happen if we all spoke in complete honesty and discussed our raw thoughts. No filter. No sugar coating. Thoughts as they came. Would it be good or bad? I am sure it would be both in some ways. However, for all the times I have wondered whether what is being said to me is exactly what the person means, I’d really prefer raw thoughts. If truth ends up being harsh, it would hurt and I’d cry too maybe but I’d rather be hurt with truth than be pacified by a lie. I feel too much and I feel strongly so being hurt is not a new feeling. I’ll take my chances. Honesty is powerful. If you can leave somethings unsaid, that is fine. The only point I am making is whatever you say should be honest. If you think about it, honesty does not have to coincide with being rude. You can be honest in a non hurtful way as well, it takes efforts which most people would rather not put. I, personally, cannot bring myself to bring someone down or hurt them. My way of being honest is to tell them what I think (when it is something bad) in a constructive way along with what is nice and keep them motivated to try again.

Apart from being honest when asked something, we should also be honest about the general things we talk. When someone who cares asks us how we are, why do we respond saying something casual and not actually talk about how we are? Why are we scared of our actual thoughts and feelings? Let me start. If you asked me right now, how I am and you’d want my honest answer. I’d tell you, I am not okay. I am worried that I am being a bad daughter and neglecting my parents. They deserve so much better and so much more. I have the most non complaining parents who get happy with minimal efforts and sometimes I just do bare minimum and they are happy. I try to compensate but I hate myself when I don’t give them what they deserve. I have been meaning to do something big for my partner’s upcoming birthday but I have not yet figured it out completely. I am missing my best friends who I usually discuss these things with and they are all caught up in fighting their own fights at the moment and I cannot bring myself to bother them about this. I am super overworked and I want to tell my superiors that the allocation is just not fair at the moment but I am scared of that conversation. I have a strong feeling since months now that I am always there for people but when I need someone, I am usually alone mostly because I cannot demand that from people and I have not shared this with anyone. I just want to be alone for a couple of days, without anyone to talk to (unless I want to).

I am not okay and that’s okay but what’s not okay is that no one knows I am not okay. Your turn, how are you?

You’ll be there for me?

66/100

Sometimes you want someone to be around you, to share, talk, crib, gossip or merely for their presence. While, some other times you just want to be alone, with no one to bother you at all. It depends on how you feel at that moment and that is completely okay too. No one should be obligated to talk to anyone if they don’t feel like it. Neither should we have such unrealistic expectations. However, when you choose to have a person at your disposal – to be around when you need them and then forgetting they exist, is that fair in the name of friendship and love? To me, it seems incredibly selfish, but then that is the major principle on which the world works. I agree one needs to be selfish if they are going through something bad, if they need to pick themselves up mentally or if you are at the lemon side in life and trying to move towards the lemonade. At such times, you need to be a priority in your life. Does that mean you can be keep someone at bay even when you are okay enough to either let them in or be straight with them that you cannot do this? Why does kindness go unnoticed so often? I mean Inspite of being completely aware of where they stand, some people will still be there around you, lending you the much needed ear for your sufferings or a shoulder to cry on. Silent, strong, non-complaining, non-demanding. More so like air, whose value isn’t understood until its not there anymore. It’s important you realize that those people might need you too, they won’t say so but might need you all the same. Or maybe they have said it, but you had no interest in understanding that. Don’t wait till you suffocate in their absence. Be there for them too, always. Care. You love them alright, show them the same. Let them feel cherished. Those few people are for keeps. When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. Don’t let them be just in memories, treasure such people. Keep them safe.

Time to let go!

65/100

I forgive people very quickly. Like may be even in a snap. Cant be angry for too long. Mainly because I am also on the other side and I know how it feels when you are apologetic but the same is not accepted. I trigger the anger in others too and so I realize that no person will harm the other person on purpose.. But my point here ain’t that. Forgiving is one thing and forgetting, other. I forgive but don’t forget. This does not mean I am some snotty psychotic person who remembers it for a revenge or something. Uhh, no. I don’t even remind anyone or bring it up unless pushed to brink. I just can’t forget. Its there, buried deep in my heart! It shows it’s ugly head when there is something repetitive. It brings up all lost memories (not lost in my case), I feel the hurt all over again! I am perfectly normal with that person, love them just as I did before. No grudges at all. And having these instances stuck in my heart makes me feel like I am betraying them. When I have no hard feelings, why are these ghosts hovering around in my heart?! I have always believed that losing an argument is far better than losing a person, then why the hell does that argument stay with me?! Why do I hold on to it? Is it just me or it happens with everyone?? Most of the time these instances help me in self introspection as to where and what went wrong…and I end up finding my faults! I mean if I was lied to then that’s because I wasnt worthy of the truth! But there is only so much a heart can take! I feel like it’s about time I clear my heart of all past ghosts! I feel like it from time to time. Its need to let go! Let go of things that happened, relations which were not meant to be, people who dont want me, thoughts that do nothing but hurt!!

Only thing is, I don’t know how do I do that!

Can you explain love?

60/100

I have spent an entire evening trying to please my partner’s parents, so naturally I was thinking about what love is and if it can be explained at all? I just made myself some hot coffee (YEP!!) to have while I snuggle on my couch and what better time to sit and mull over love than now? So love huh? The more I think about it, the more I just come to one simple conclusion. Love for me is to see other person happy. You want to see them soar and it is a bonus when the reason is you. It’s a beautiful feeling. It’s like how you feel when you eat pizza aka a really satisfying feeling. It’s not all rosy but if you close your eyes reminiscing and you are enveloped in beautiful blanket of memories with them, it’s all worth it I guess? Not every love in our life is fulfilling and successful but all of them have made us happy at some point and that is what should and would stay with us years down the line. Best moments of the stories you were a part of and all the people who came into your story. I am a mix of practical and emotional person but one thing I feel strongly is that people come into your life for a reason. We are all living to create memories and stories that will stay on long after we are gone. In my last moments, I’d like to part seeing what I will leave behind. A short, funny and full of love clip filled with memories flashing in front of eyes. The last thing I see and probably the best one. W

What’s love for you?

Love affair!

55/100

I have always loved the cold places, the hills. While I have always wanted to travel around the world, given a choice I always chose cold places. With this love on one side, I did not particularly enjoy beaches. I know how that sounds but I had my reasons. The twist in my story was that I dated a guy who loved beaches. He is the cupid of my love affair with the sea. We visited Goa in monsoon and pondicherry during onset of winter. I fell in love and I don’t mind marrying the beach, haha. If that’s what it takes to be at a beach whenever I want, not such a bad idea? Sunset at the beach is everyone’s favorite. For me, it is what happiness means. While sky has always been my muse, beach sky is a site to behold. My heart is still at the paradise beach in pondicherry, no kidding. Even talking about this makes me so happy and it also makes me long a trip to beach. We are stuck in a stay-at-home situation and sometimes it gets very bad for me mentally. I keep myself in a check by remembering that these problems are not as bad as what some others are facing. But, mental health is not something that is small, I know that too. Weird how a simple thought of a beach trip can solve all my problems and be the bane of all my problems as well. I mean I did not even like beaches to start with! Let me show off my love and hope that you guys will fall in love too. The more, the merrier 😉

Some old school fun!

54/100

I have found a good way to get my partner to churn his thinking wheels. I ask him to pen down for this blog occasionally. He is a complete introvert in one sense and does not believe in speaking, no kidding. A short write up by him on something we both feel very strongly.

Getting up at 6am in the morning to play cricket or maybe a small trek on the nearby hill – That’s how a typical holiday would start for me during my school days.

But as time flew by and as we were introduced to newer technology our lives started to be confined within that mobile screen or a TV screen with play station games on it. I can’t even recall when and how I started enjoying phones and games more than physical activity. There was a time I would be at home only for my meals and sleep and just play the rest of the time and it was an unparalleled feeling. No technology till date has been able to give me that kind of a feeling which you would get when you play a match winning knock (some I still remember and probably won’t ever forget) or score a crucial goal.

I still find myself lucky that I got a chance to feel that way first hand, but kids today, all they love is games on their “personal” phones or gaming consoles. Though fun, it does not add much value to you in anyway. But I guess this is going to be the trend going forward. Keeping it short for today but do let me know what your childhood holidays were like and whether you prefer technology or old school fun..

I survive!

32/100

There is a thought. Sad, bad, mad thought. A thought I don’t want to think, and of course that is what makes it absolutely irrestible to come unbidding to me at strangest of times and makes me feel foulest of feelings! Oh, there is a group of them. Now I tried to Google what a group of thoughts is called, it is just thoughts I suppose. So lame, why did I google it? Anyway, that is not what I wanted to talk about. Ya so, why does that happen? This thinking of what we don’t want to think? Why is urge for wrong so strong? The worst part is that I can’t share these thoughts. Some of them, the recurring one especially, is so stupid and sad a thought that I don’t want it to even materialize and take a form, even as a sentence shared. It is a sad thought. It has the power to let a tear escape from my eye if I dwell on it for even 5 minutes. So I don’t think of it, I deny giving it any importance. Absolutely deny giving anyone of them the time of day. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a happy person with happy thoughts. But we all have Achilles heel right? Now I don’t know if this thought is something that could ruin me but it does seem like that at the moment. It might be my Achilles heel. But it isn’t. Yep. My antidote is denial. I deny having thought it, I deny it exists! I have been doing just that, for long now. It works, most of the times. I deal with it. My way might be wrong or right, who cares? There’s always someone who is going to find a flaw in a thing you did and someone else who loved that same thing to bits. So you can’t be right to everyone. And you know what I have realized? That I am strong. I mean if I can deal with this shit with such maturity then I am strong right? Sure, there are those other times, when these thoughts come, showing their ugly head and drain away everything nice. I cry, I give in, I fight, I ignore. And most importantly, I survive. While on other days I live, on such bad days I survive. I survive so I can live on the other days. Guess that is what growing up means yeah? Oh well..

Welcome to my story!

19/100

We meet people as we cruise through our busy lives doing busy things playing the role of busy people in a busy world. All through this, we touch so many lives, our life touched by many more! You don’t know where, why, how or with whom your paths intersect, until they actually do! Intersections that create moments. Moments that are futile and forgettable, moments that are epic and life defining. Life is, after all, a bunch of nows! At such intersects we end up meeting some people that make it to your story. You know like your grand life story? A grand book that is a collection of small stories which are full of moments with people you meet, who don’t just pass through your life but become a part of it! People happen to us all the time! Lovely, nice, funny, bad, tragic, boring, nose-digging, snoring, pompous, rude and awesome people! Some abandon you, some hurt you, some don’t love you, some don’t get you and we fight and hurt each other, all making a different story! Some stories are so tragic that you wonder why you really started them, some so damn funny that you don’t ever want them to end. Endless stories! Stories that shape up who you are, change you with time, sharpen you and calm you. They make you, you! I love my stories and my people. What I don’t like are the unfinished stories, no one does. But then it leaves so much to imagination! I can think of so many possibilities and even though I could not get my story with some people, I own all these intersections and ideas! Ideas that might just inspire me to have the greatest story ever, because it is just unfinished and not yet over! So no, I am not really letting you go even as I see you go! I love the idea of you and the idea of a story with you! So, until we intersect again?!