Facade!

81/100

She was loved by all. Everyone wanted to be with her. She was vibrant in nature so the attraction made sense. Good company to be with. She never knew hurting others or so she thought. She wanted people to be happy. It made her happy to see others happy. But, making everyone happy is impossible. Only if she knew this. Instead, the one’s she couldn’t make happy thought of her as biased. Maybe it was true. There were a few she absolutely loved to see happy. Her heart soared high in happiness when she saw them happy. So she tried more for them. But in process some were ignored, never intentionally. Though not on purpose, people were hurt. Hearts grew apart. That’s when she felt the effect. The distance, the heartache. She felt it all. She didn’t know what went wrong. She could sense people drifting away. She tried stopping them, only separating the already distant hearts more. She was accused. She tried to explain, she failed. She tried to match up, she failed. Maybe trying too much was the problem. But she couldn’t help it. She never wanted this. It broke her. But there were those who still loved her. They supported her. She needed it. Seeing people who once loved her, who she loved, loathing her, blaming her wasn’t easy to live with. But then there were those who cared for her, genuinely. She treasured them. She could survive seeing them happy. She would be the way she is, for them. She just existed, pretending to live. Pretending for those who loved her. Pretending to be happy. She thought it was easier, easier than admitting that she was sad. That would require reasons and explanations, leading to more heartache. No. Pretending to be happy is easy. Yet sometimes, even now, the pretence fades, revealing the real her. She cries. Sometimes its okay to let the tears flow. They flow reliving those memories and with a lot of could-have-been scenarios. But she soon gets back to pretending as life with tears and what ifs and memories is not survivable. Sometimes she is actually happy. At those times, she hopes and wishes that maybe someday she’ll be so perfect at pretence that she might actually end up being happy forever.

Forever is a myth, if only she knew.

Friends like family!

31/100

I was watching a movie some days ago and in it someone said “friends that we make during our school and college days are the ones that know you truly, the ones that make the most impact”. It might seem like a generic statement to some, for me it is very true. I made the best friends during my school and college days and they have been a big part of my life even after it. They are more like family now.

It’s true that they are the family I chose and there is nothing I wouldn’t do if anyone of them needed it. However, corona and adulting has made it so hard to meet them and it sometimes aches physically how much I miss them. I start going into flashback and reliving the happiest memories I have with them. Even the memories where we fought, were sad are so special. Because we were together. It’s such a luxury now. I wish it was simple like getting in a cab and going to meet them. I would go meet them without second thoughts! Alas, we need to be safe and home. So all I have right now with me is memories. I never cared about the google feature until recently. Now I check everything it shows and even share it with my friends so we can talk about those fond memories. When we met, we were literally jabbering or doing mindless things. We have made such beautiful memories, my heart warms up looking at how far we have come. I have been lucky to have met such strong, beautiful and smart people and never ever thought they will become an inseparable part of my life. You can call me a show off but my friends really are amazing humans and I’d trade them for nothing and noone.

Jeez, I am a fangirl of my friends I guess. I wish there was a guide book to advise how to not let adulting come in way of friendship. Sigh.

Mommy blues!

Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.

I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?

So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.

I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.