Only if one remembers to turn on the light!

9/100

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light

Albus Dumbledore

As my blog url reads, a rainbow in someone’s cloud, this post is about the light that I found in this dark time around us. Okay, let me first share what I wrote here and then deleted it. “It might not seem much to you people but this achievement means a big win for me, personally”. Why do we do this so often? Undermine our own achievements! I am glad I have called myself out and I resolve to work on this going forward.

So now, the thing I am so happy and proud of is I LEARNED TO HOOLA HOOP!!! Yayyyy!

Happy picture!

I kept on doing it until I cracked it, I did not give up. I learnt it on my own. Wooooh! I hurt myself so many times learning this, it kept falling. I started with hooping it for 2 secs and now 5 mins is my personal best time. Aaaaahhh! Things are grim and I am constantly finding things to keep myself motivated and to try and be productive, which was also the reason for my 100 days challenge! I am hoping to start doing more things that help me learn and grow, one small win at a time. I am not rushing anything, I will let things come to me organically. There is no compulsion that one HAS TO BE PRODUCTIVE. It is most important to be in a good mental space and to see what helps you achieve that. For me, it is hoola hooping. For someone else, it could dance and so on and so forth. Find what makes you happy and do that. It could take time, it could seem like a task but we all got to try!

Tragic leads to Trial

Starting by saying that I have a headache because I cried myself silly this evening and penning this is hard. Guess I want to accept that somedays you can feel how I felt today and then it is okay. As someone rightly said to me, it is temporary. I am already a bit better and the only reminder of that bad feeling is this headache.

While I accept how I felt, I also need to accept why I felt it. One of the biggest things I am insecure about is the way I shop. I am not good at it, I am lazy and also very concious about what I choose. I am lucky to have a partner who likes to shop and helps me with it. However, today I went shopping for something big with my mom. My mom loves me in everything so I wanted my friends to come with me but it was too last minute and it just did not work out. Anyway, I wanted their yes for what I was shopping before finalizing. I sent them the pictures and wrapped up in my insecurity I forgot that they can be held up and busy too. When I did not get the validation I was seeking to calm my insecurity, I felt let down. Now, I am happy I conveyed this to them and it was sorted out but not proud of how quickly my brain reacted to their absence. I have realized how I could have communicated in a much kinder way and also been kind to myself by not jumping to conclusions. I cried for hours only to realize how silly and baseless my thoughts were.

When we are insecure, we forget to apply one basic rule, “you are loved”. You know how Dumbledore says “if only one remembers to turn on the light”, that’s what we need the most. While I am saying it so easily, hoping for this light when wrapped in that gnawing and nagging feeling is the hardest thing. But then, the most human thing to do is to try and I shall try!