Gotta start somewhere!

There is something very hopeful about the starts, isn’t it? Start of the year, start of the month, start of the week. It makes you want to start getting your life in order. Okay, maybe not monday but for the rest part it is true. Well, that’s how it is for me. If you want to start a new habit or add anything to your routine, it is best preferred to be initiated at such new starts. While I stay away from making resolutions, I had decided to get back to writing in January. I was eagerly waiting for Jan 1st, however God had other plans. I tested positive for Covid on 31st of December and whatever I had decided went down the drain. What went down along with that was my energy, health and all things good. Maybe that is a story for another time as I really don’t wish to relive that right now. After I recovered, I patiently waited for February to come so I can start. So obviously when I started to write, I first started to wonder why did I wait for the new month to start? Why can’t any date be hopeful? Atleast, I started to write clinging on to this hope, false or true I am not certain on that.
If someone were to ask me my state of mind right now, I’d say it is jumbled with thoughts. Clogged. Yes, that’s the word. We all know nothing comes through when there is a clog and same is happening with my mind, no coherent thought is coming through. I also realized this when I started to pen this post. I need to sort these thoughts out and as always, writing is to rescue. It helps me and hopefully those who read it too.
Hoping to get back on track, how have you all been?
Happy new year!

Aiming for hope!

Last three days have been crazy busy. I have either been planning my activities for next week or worrying that nothing will work out. Crazy!!!! I really have no clue where this post will take me but I just want to talk about what happens when you procrastinate and it is not because of yourself!!!

I am a person who likes things planned and in place well in advance. My advance is a bit too much, I agree but it harms no one. Call me proactive, call me weirdo or call me a monster, I need things planned. When I was thinking more on why do I like that, I was also confused if we can call this behavior as “being a control freak”. Control freak? I hope not. My need for having things planned is to calm my nerves and anxiety that something could go wrong. It sucks, living like this. I can plan things which are in my control, which don’t involve someone else. How do I do this for an activity that involves other people? Not everyone feels the same way, some people decide it right at last moment, some a little in advance (i am jealous of the balance this group has) and some just don’t decide. How do I work around that? It sucks. Sadly, the trouble does not end there. I am also skeptical about thinking too much or discussing too much about it. Even that makes me nervous. So is there anything left which does not make me nervous? Penning this is making me realize I am a freak-show (hehe).

So, I had stopped penning down at that point and I am resuming again after some hours. I read it again and my view on myself (lol) is that I am this anxious because the things I am planning for mean too much to me and have the power to hurt me a lot. My anxiety is peaked because this matters the most. I need it to be right. Nervousness is bound to happen right? However, I need to do my best and then hope that things will fall in place. All this worrying sucks and makes me a wrecking ball. I want to have a clear head where I am enjoying the process rather than worrying about it. Starting now, I will try to make everything I do fun and a turn it into a good memory. Too many people I love care about this as much as me and they wish the best for me, I will remember this when I worry next.

PS: If you know someone who likes planning things in advance, please help them in every way you can. It means the world to them (and me).

Walk The Talk!

As someone who has started and failed a lot at getting fit, I am very happy to announce that I AM TRYING AGAIN! I am a bit ashamed at my earlier attempts but I am excited that I am still trying!!! Okay maybe let’s not say I have failed at earlier attempts but I have definitely slacked. When we could go outside (who even remembers how that feels) and I used to commute for my job, I did not need to conciously work on keeping my body active. I guess this is the same story for majority of us. Lockdown and my feeble attempts have made one thing clear though, I WANT TO STAY FIT. My definition of fit might be timid but ya I want to be fit as per me.

So, for this attempt, I am planning to start slow. I will start by walking and my initial 3 day target is 3k steps a day. I gradually plan to take this to 10k a day and then include some more small exercises. Exercising without a standard goal that I can see visibly being achieved has not worked for me, so I have decided to use Google Fit and track my work. I was so ecstatic when I realized my target for today has been achieved and it was genuinely very easy. Like I was not tired, infact I wanted to do more. Maybe because I was motivated? Whatever the reason, I am very happy. It drastically made my day better. But then, we are in lockdown and I know that I could be a mental mess tomorrow and not do anything. That is the reason I am posting this, to remind myself that I have made a commitment and I need to keep it. Here’s to hoping I do keep it.

Just thought of something that seems funny to me, I always keep the commitments I make to others and not when I have made a commitment to myself. Guess I got to change that.

Also, let me know if there is a better app to track this? Also, what more can I include which is not overwhelming but still helps?

And still, I rise!

I am writing something after two years. Maybe even more than that. So like, a 25 month hiatus? Hah! My head right now is a ground full of random and immense thoughts, all racing towards finish line together and all of them winning. Does that even make sense? I think I did not write for so long because I often just wonder, “Do I make sense?” Now, I am not suddenly writing because I think I make sense. It is rather because I want to know if I make sense, I want to learn how to make sense.

With my anxiety at it’s peak (thank you 2020), I have been mulling a lot about how I want to do my best to not let this year pin me down. Surrounded by so many triggers, fear of unknowns and some knowns, with this perpetual home arrest that doesn’t end, constant worries and let downs and with this very serious illness surrounding us, anxiety is having a party in my head and I want to call it off!!! I want to get better and feel good. Some might think it is a bit late for it, however I don’t. I have to start somewhere, so here at 3am is my start. Weird huh? Actually, not weird enough because it is 2020! Right now amongst all the feelings I feel, the one that is relevant says all we need is a little push. My push came from a random conversation with a friend and I want this post to be that push for someone reading it. I am not a very positive person overall and I still want to hope that this will make someone understand it is never too late. Finish that book, cook something simple, treat yourself, dance a little, sleep a little extra, take that break and most importantly watch the sunset.

My posts might not be this ray of sunshine always and definitely won’t make a whole lot of sense (warned you) but this one is a small win and I want to enjoy it.

2020 has not been kind, so I have decided to be a little extra kind to myself and to others 💫