Cannot survive alone!

3/100

Can I start by saying that when I opened the blog post to write a new one I was so excited that I am doing a third one already, I MADE IT TO THREE!! However, as soon as I typed 3/100 I realized I have a LONG way to go still, it’s just three!

Anyway, what are your thoughts about meeting people and spending time with them? Friends, family or colleagues. I mean how does the prospect make you feel? For me it depends on situation, meeting immediate family and best/close friends is always a joyful event that I look upto but meeting distant relatives or colleagues just causes anxiety. To add to this, I think covid has changed something related to this aspect inside me. From looking forward to meeting people I love, now I yearn it. I know we keep in touch digitally and how it is the need of the hour to stay put at home but not being able to feel warmth of people we love, do baseless talks, jokes or just be in silence around friends and family is a joy that has been snatched due to covid. In bigger scheme of things, it is a very small price to pay for human life I agree but does not mean it hurts less.

I am particularly touchy about this today because a couple of friends who stay near us dropped in to say hello and I felt so nice. There was nothing out of the ordinary that happened, we just ate, chilled, joked and that’s that. Yet, it made me exceptionally happy that I saw another human, other than my husband (for him, I, anyway, am thankful but this just hit different bro). I know it will take a lot of time for things to get back to “normal”, we have been told this is the new “normal” but can universe just allow us these small joys every now and then without causing anyone any harm? Surely, that is not too much I ask.

It starts today!

1/100

I was really happy with the title of this blog post, considering it took a lot time to come up with something as basic as this, but now I think it seems rather ominous. A complete contrast to what I wanted this title to be. Serves me right for procrastinating writing this for so long.

So, coming back to point, what starts today?! *drum rolllll* My journey to blog for 100 days daily!!!! I got the inspiration to do this from my best friend (who got inspiration from one of my blogs so this is like our blogging coming to a full circle). I have been planning on this for ages now but I just kept delaying it for some or the other reason. Wondering what changed for me to finally start this? My head is full, thoughts are overflowing and I want to bring them out in a systematic manner.

Question : What’s better than conversing loud with myself for 100 days and hoping something amazing comes out of it? Answer : Lying on bed and staring at the ceiling questioning all the past and future life decisions. (Just being sarcastic, incase you missed it)

As I start on this VERY DIFFICULT task, my first and foremost fear is I will give up midway!!!! It will break my heart but I don’t think I am disciplined enough to do this. It won’t be the first time if I give up. It is also one of the reasons I want to reach the finish line for this one, to bring some discipline and routine in my life!!! Being in India right now is not exactly ideal and I am hoping this journey will help document my emotions and cope with them too. Oddly enough, I am more optimistic about this entire thing than I was when I started penning this post. So then I guess, it does start today!

Wish me luck, REALLY need it!

It’s January!

It’s my favorite month! Yayyy! I love January, I do think it is the best month. It is hardly to do with the fact that it is but my birth month. Maybe some part of it is related to the fact but majorly it is because January always feels so fresh. It indicates start of something new, we are all excited with high hopes and high spirits! Most importantly, I always have some trip planned during this time. That makes it my most favorite time of the year. That and ofcourse winter season. I mean, in bombay, we hardly feel cold but all the same I love it.

However, right now it is not cold and it breaks my heart that I have nothing planned, no trip in sight so far. It just makes me sad every now and then. I know there are bigger worries but a heart wants what it wants! Waking up anxious every morning even though I only fall asleep because I am tired of thinking and overthinking how this entire year could be a dud because of how it has started. There are some parts which are good but when what you love the most goes wrong, the other niceties just fade. You know what I mean? All I want is to not have my head so heavy and anxious all the time. It is starting to physically hurt.

Sometimes I think it is also because I expected this year to be extra special, every occasion of this year to be celebrated by doing what we like, doing what makes us happy. I hate celebrating my birthday, I do, which is why I always planned a trip and ran away to places where no one knows it’s my birthday. It served two purposes, I was traveling and no one around fussed about birthday. It was the only way I looked forward to my birthday, every year. Since last 6 to 7 years or maybe more. It was either that or I went to work where no one knows my birthday. That is the tradition. While 2021 is a small milestone for me personally, clearly universe has other plans. I dread each day as I get closer to my birthday about being forced to celebrate it. The anxiety is real and it makes me weep.

Ugh, this post is so sad, I hope I write again soon in this month itself and have something nicer to say. I really don’t want January to be like this. It sucks.

Mommy blues!

Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.

I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?

So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.

I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.

Aiming for hope!

Last three days have been crazy busy. I have either been planning my activities for next week or worrying that nothing will work out. Crazy!!!! I really have no clue where this post will take me but I just want to talk about what happens when you procrastinate and it is not because of yourself!!!

I am a person who likes things planned and in place well in advance. My advance is a bit too much, I agree but it harms no one. Call me proactive, call me weirdo or call me a monster, I need things planned. When I was thinking more on why do I like that, I was also confused if we can call this behavior as “being a control freak”. Control freak? I hope not. My need for having things planned is to calm my nerves and anxiety that something could go wrong. It sucks, living like this. I can plan things which are in my control, which don’t involve someone else. How do I do this for an activity that involves other people? Not everyone feels the same way, some people decide it right at last moment, some a little in advance (i am jealous of the balance this group has) and some just don’t decide. How do I work around that? It sucks. Sadly, the trouble does not end there. I am also skeptical about thinking too much or discussing too much about it. Even that makes me nervous. So is there anything left which does not make me nervous? Penning this is making me realize I am a freak-show (hehe).

So, I had stopped penning down at that point and I am resuming again after some hours. I read it again and my view on myself (lol) is that I am this anxious because the things I am planning for mean too much to me and have the power to hurt me a lot. My anxiety is peaked because this matters the most. I need it to be right. Nervousness is bound to happen right? However, I need to do my best and then hope that things will fall in place. All this worrying sucks and makes me a wrecking ball. I want to have a clear head where I am enjoying the process rather than worrying about it. Starting now, I will try to make everything I do fun and a turn it into a good memory. Too many people I love care about this as much as me and they wish the best for me, I will remember this when I worry next.

PS: If you know someone who likes planning things in advance, please help them in every way you can. It means the world to them (and me).

And still, I rise!

I am writing something after two years. Maybe even more than that. So like, a 25 month hiatus? Hah! My head right now is a ground full of random and immense thoughts, all racing towards finish line together and all of them winning. Does that even make sense? I think I did not write for so long because I often just wonder, “Do I make sense?” Now, I am not suddenly writing because I think I make sense. It is rather because I want to know if I make sense, I want to learn how to make sense.

With my anxiety at it’s peak (thank you 2020), I have been mulling a lot about how I want to do my best to not let this year pin me down. Surrounded by so many triggers, fear of unknowns and some knowns, with this perpetual home arrest that doesn’t end, constant worries and let downs and with this very serious illness surrounding us, anxiety is having a party in my head and I want to call it off!!! I want to get better and feel good. Some might think it is a bit late for it, however I don’t. I have to start somewhere, so here at 3am is my start. Weird huh? Actually, not weird enough because it is 2020! Right now amongst all the feelings I feel, the one that is relevant says all we need is a little push. My push came from a random conversation with a friend and I want this post to be that push for someone reading it. I am not a very positive person overall and I still want to hope that this will make someone understand it is never too late. Finish that book, cook something simple, treat yourself, dance a little, sleep a little extra, take that break and most importantly watch the sunset.

My posts might not be this ray of sunshine always and definitely won’t make a whole lot of sense (warned you) but this one is a small win and I want to enjoy it.

2020 has not been kind, so I have decided to be a little extra kind to myself and to others 💫