Too many goodbyes!

79/100

I am not sure if it’s the air or something on our cards, a lot many of our friends are in the process of moving or looking for opportunities to move to a different country. It almost feels like a part of our life will be at a standstill and there is not much we can do! It has stired a box of memories from which have fallen the scenes documented in our heads which are playing like a roll of film on display. It’s almost like if I closed my eyes, I can relive those moments but I know when I open my eyes I’ll be alone. With that, comes the fear that as time passes, these pictures and scenes in our head and heart will fade leaving us with nothing but fragments of how it used to feel. The laughter that echoes everywhere whenever we meet will be a distant sound trying to come afore but failing. We will yearn for the warmth our hearts feel with their proximity and love just like a fireplace feels in a cold barren land with piercing winds. While the move is yet to happen, the news itself is very unsettling. I am torn in half with feeling happy for their upcoming move and sad that the distance between us will increase! Why are goodbyes so hard? Why is it wrenching my heart even before the time of move is finalized? Why is this emptiness surrounding me like I have entered some trapped door alone and there is no exit in sight? Why does love have to be so hard? I wish I could practice detachment as easily as some people do but no, I am that idiot who has walls up her heart but once someone enters there is no easy way to part with them.

If we spoke our truth!

78/100

I am sure we have all mused about the fact that what would happen if we all spoke in complete honesty and discussed our raw thoughts. No filter. No sugar coating. Thoughts as they came. Would it be good or bad? I am sure it would be both in some ways. However, for all the times I have wondered whether what is being said to me is exactly what the person means, I’d really prefer raw thoughts. If truth ends up being harsh, it would hurt and I’d cry too maybe but I’d rather be hurt with truth than be pacified by a lie. I feel too much and I feel strongly so being hurt is not a new feeling. I’ll take my chances. Honesty is powerful. If you can leave somethings unsaid, that is fine. The only point I am making is whatever you say should be honest. If you think about it, honesty does not have to coincide with being rude. You can be honest in a non hurtful way as well, it takes efforts which most people would rather not put. I, personally, cannot bring myself to bring someone down or hurt them. My way of being honest is to tell them what I think (when it is something bad) in a constructive way along with what is nice and keep them motivated to try again.

Apart from being honest when asked something, we should also be honest about the general things we talk. When someone who cares asks us how we are, why do we respond saying something casual and not actually talk about how we are? Why are we scared of our actual thoughts and feelings? Let me start. If you asked me right now, how I am and you’d want my honest answer. I’d tell you, I am not okay. I am worried that I am being a bad daughter and neglecting my parents. They deserve so much better and so much more. I have the most non complaining parents who get happy with minimal efforts and sometimes I just do bare minimum and they are happy. I try to compensate but I hate myself when I don’t give them what they deserve. I have been meaning to do something big for my partner’s upcoming birthday but I have not yet figured it out completely. I am missing my best friends who I usually discuss these things with and they are all caught up in fighting their own fights at the moment and I cannot bring myself to bother them about this. I am super overworked and I want to tell my superiors that the allocation is just not fair at the moment but I am scared of that conversation. I have a strong feeling since months now that I am always there for people but when I need someone, I am usually alone mostly because I cannot demand that from people and I have not shared this with anyone. I just want to be alone for a couple of days, without anyone to talk to (unless I want to).

I am not okay and that’s okay but what’s not okay is that no one knows I am not okay. Your turn, how are you?

You’ll be there for me?

66/100

Sometimes you want someone to be around you, to share, talk, crib, gossip or merely for their presence. While, some other times you just want to be alone, with no one to bother you at all. It depends on how you feel at that moment and that is completely okay too. No one should be obligated to talk to anyone if they don’t feel like it. Neither should we have such unrealistic expectations. However, when you choose to have a person at your disposal – to be around when you need them and then forgetting they exist, is that fair in the name of friendship and love? To me, it seems incredibly selfish, but then that is the major principle on which the world works. I agree one needs to be selfish if they are going through something bad, if they need to pick themselves up mentally or if you are at the lemon side in life and trying to move towards the lemonade. At such times, you need to be a priority in your life. Does that mean you can be keep someone at bay even when you are okay enough to either let them in or be straight with them that you cannot do this? Why does kindness go unnoticed so often? I mean Inspite of being completely aware of where they stand, some people will still be there around you, lending you the much needed ear for your sufferings or a shoulder to cry on. Silent, strong, non-complaining, non-demanding. More so like air, whose value isn’t understood until its not there anymore. It’s important you realize that those people might need you too, they won’t say so but might need you all the same. Or maybe they have said it, but you had no interest in understanding that. Don’t wait till you suffocate in their absence. Be there for them too, always. Care. You love them alright, show them the same. Let them feel cherished. Those few people are for keeps. When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. Don’t let them be just in memories, treasure such people. Keep them safe.

Breakups are hard!

56/100

I almost skipped my post today and that makes me super sad. However, I am writing now so guess that’s something. Today has been so hectic, my work has been super crazy this week. It’s almost like the more I give, the more this job demands. There is no gratitude but just ask for more and more. Sometimes I hate it. I love being busy and working, I really don’t mind but one must draw the line when you know someone else is taking undue advantage.

Anyway, so today I spoke to a friend and that got me wondering about breakups. They are so hard, especially the ones that are like the end of a good relationship. The individuals involved suffer the most, when the relationship is long and you suddenly have to live without them it’s so damn difficult. Also, when a relationship is being developed, it is not just the individuals falling in love but the mingling of friends and family too. So the breakups are so much more complicated because even though individuals are separated, the love between friends and families does not evaporate. Issues between the couple can sometimes affect other relations. Amicable breakups might not result in ruining friendships and relations between families, if any. However, the rough breakups lead to severe fights, picking sides and a lot of pain on both sides. I believe that love never ends, once you love a person then you cannot stop loving them. It’s not how love works. Yes, the love between them might change it’s dynamics but love never really ends. I am not talking about toxic relationships here, that is not love at all. I am talking about pure love, that essentially never ends. This change of dynamic in love between two people is not limited to them, the friends and relations that we develop during the time are also hit. Some beautiful relations can suffer because the love between two people changed. By no way should one stay in a relationship if they don’t feel the way one is supposed to, I just wish it did not lead to such huge collateral damage.

Hit me in the feels!

36/100

F.R.I.E.N.D.S REUNION

I am writing this teary eyed because we just finished watching the reunion episode and OH. MY. GOD. I am that fan who is happy to just see the cast back together, I get all happy even watching their interviews. So this was ultra special. It made me smile, it warmed my heart, it made me laugh till I cried and it made me cry at the end too. It did what the show does to me. I have seen all seasons so many times and still cannot get enough. It always makes me laugh and this reunion showed me how these people were on set and it really makes sense. Their chemistry was evident in the episodes but to see so much love and adoring just hit me in the feels. What made me sad was when Courtney says that we won’t be doing this again in next 15 years and I just felt so sad! They have been my favorites when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was bored and literally everytime. I’d never say NO to watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. The times we discuss and go back to show even when we are just talking with our friends shows how relatable the characters are. Oh and the guests on the show!!!! I don’t want to spoil it for people reading but OMG. I am so going to watch it again super soon. I will sleep happy tonight thanks to this wonderful show.

It is lovely how this simple show based on a group of friends in NYC has touched hearts of people across the world. Love from India.

Which F.R.I.E.N.D.S character do you relate most to?

Friends like family!

31/100

I was watching a movie some days ago and in it someone said “friends that we make during our school and college days are the ones that know you truly, the ones that make the most impact”. It might seem like a generic statement to some, for me it is very true. I made the best friends during my school and college days and they have been a big part of my life even after it. They are more like family now.

It’s true that they are the family I chose and there is nothing I wouldn’t do if anyone of them needed it. However, corona and adulting has made it so hard to meet them and it sometimes aches physically how much I miss them. I start going into flashback and reliving the happiest memories I have with them. Even the memories where we fought, were sad are so special. Because we were together. It’s such a luxury now. I wish it was simple like getting in a cab and going to meet them. I would go meet them without second thoughts! Alas, we need to be safe and home. So all I have right now with me is memories. I never cared about the google feature until recently. Now I check everything it shows and even share it with my friends so we can talk about those fond memories. When we met, we were literally jabbering or doing mindless things. We have made such beautiful memories, my heart warms up looking at how far we have come. I have been lucky to have met such strong, beautiful and smart people and never ever thought they will become an inseparable part of my life. You can call me a show off but my friends really are amazing humans and I’d trade them for nothing and noone.

Jeez, I am a fangirl of my friends I guess. I wish there was a guide book to advise how to not let adulting come in way of friendship. Sigh.

Humanity is not trendy!

18/100

It’s Sunday, my weekend is almost over and while I expected it to be the happiest time, sadly it was a mix with sadness and anxiety overpowering the happiness.

On Friday night, I was on call with my best friend who was considering to go to a “private party” the next day and I made it absolutely clear that she should not (for obvious reasons). You know I have always believed if you explain things to people logically (which honestly was not even needed as it is pretty obvious), they will understand. This has been a brilliant reality check for me. People will do shit even when you nicely tell them not to. My advise and concern fell on deaf ears. What’s worse? I actually called her the next day because I REALLY needed to speak with her and the phone was “out of network area”. I knew she’d gone to that party. She had her reasons and while everyone is at their own discretion, I don’t think people care when they do something that is illegal or should I say, criminal? Considering the circumstances. If you are out partying in a pandemic, it is illegal and if you come out unscathed it is sheer luck and while very good for you, it still does not change that what you did was shitty.

The gist of it is that someone in their group needed a “mental break” and forced them to go. I’d call this emotional blackmail and would definitely question the said friendship. Is it friendship if you pressurize your “friends” to commit something that is not just illegal but also life threatening? Either my definitions are misplaced or they actually believe in “friends that die with/for each other”. News flash, you won’t die alone and that is the ENTIRE PROBLEM. If this goes haywire, you will be putting others at risk too. Now, how selfish can someone be who does not care about others because they need a “mental break”? If I have to be absolutely honest, the entire situation disgusts me. To add some color, these people have closed ones that have been infected severely with covid. If seeing the impact on people they love did not stop them, what would? Come to think of it, I was naive to have even asked them to not go. Why the fuck would they listen to me when staring at the damn virus taught them nothing? People like these are a problem bigger than covid. Even a small adjustment like “staying the fuck home” is something these privileged people will not do. It is hurtful, stupid, irresponsible and selfish. Who am I kidding? If they can ignore advise, what will this rant do? Naive again.

Lastly, I would really like if people stopped throwing “mental health” as an excuse to do shitty things. You being anxious or needing a mental break DOES NOT HAVE TO COINCIDE with breaking law and risking others. This could have been solved in tons of other ways but no, they chose this with complete knowledge of how wrong they are. If I broke the law, I would not be able to sleep at night. Forget me, I know my family would be anxious for entire 15 days (the risk period to be infected if you go party without a mask) if I went. I could never ever put someone through this because I wanted a break. All your talks of positivity, being nice, caring and keeping things happy are useless if you cannot keep your ass home during a pandemic. What a sad day for humanity!

Not today!

17/100

How many punches can someone take? Not literal ones or okay as a metaphor let’s say literal ones. How many can one take? There is a limit to it, right? One is bound to fall and feel the pain. Such is life, some would say. However, why is life so unfair to some people? Some face a lot more punches from life than others. Some people learn to overcome it, some glorify pain and some just don’t know what to do with it. If you check the definition of pain “sadness that you feel when something bad has happened”, it hardly covers the depth of the word. “Something bad”, it feels so meager. Pain comes with dark and annoying thoughts, pain comes with a feeling of failure and loss, pain comes with someone else’s sadness, pain comes with someone else’s happiness too, pain makes us act out, pain comes with helplessness. A word that describes so many terrifying things cannot have a simple definition.

There is no rulebook on how to deal with pain. Mental health is the worst affected when you are in pain. If you think about this logically, mental health is what needs to be attended to, whether you are in pain or not. You must seek a therapist, you must speak to people who will listen and who you think might help. This is all very easily said but application? Not so easy. One who experiences pain does not always think logically and they cannot be expected to think straight. Yes, talking to someone helps but they might not wish to talk to anyone. When in pain, everything can seem like a task and it drains you physically and mentally, so to additionally explain someone else why and what happened can be a huge task. When you add this to the fact that someone has had to face this particular punch from life multiple times, you cannot imagine the pain this can cause. I have read it how they explain in books, pain so deep that it cannot be described.

It’s really difficult to know this and yet to just let people be because that is what they wish. It is also incredibly selfish in a way that we want to know and help just so we can cure our anxiety about them. If you have done your best but somehow feel that there is something you have missed and some resentment from the other side, even then we need to let people be. Yes, you care but that is secondary. Yes, you love them but that too is secondary. Everything is secondary to what the person who is in pain wants. That resentment against you can be solved when they are in a better frame of mind, since there is so much love, you must wait. Sometimes, all you can do is wait. Be on standby silently and wait for them to return.

Would like to end with a slight tweak in one of my most favorite quotes, “What do we say to the darkness? Not today”

The need to feel loved!

8/100

I am sure I have penned on similar topic earlier as well as this is one of the constant struggles I face and even something I am sensitive about.

Isn’t it weird that even though we know we are loved by our closed ones but we still need to feel loved? I am not entirely sure, if it is a want or a need. I am hoping I am not alone that struggles with this. Yes, it is amazing to have people who love you, knowing that they love you. It is a blessing. However, it’s only human nature to expect that feeling to be validated once in a while.

I don’t think it is the big fat gestures that do the deed, it is the genuine admission of love when least expected, it is making someone feel like they are a part of your life, involving them in those small things you do, sharing mundane thoughts that cross your head with them. It’s all this for me. People who yearn to feel loved always make others feel loved, isn’t it? However, the major disbalance occurs when the person who does this is taken for granted and there is nothing from the other side. People want you to believe that they love you and yet there will be no effort from their end towards the same, it is really hard to stick around then. You just need to hang on to the words that there is love. It is only when there is a revolt that they will rush to prove that they love you too, that is neither fair nor is it love. It is just the need for that person to continue showering love on you that is making you do this.

If you genuinely consider this human need to feel loved, it also stems from lack of self love. I don’t think this is true entirely, but to major extent it does seem correct. It is said that if you love yourself, you will not need others to show you love. While I agree that we can be happy if we love ourselves, I would still say we need other humans, their love and support. Self love is important as it is the only thing which will push you to know when must you step up and leave. It is that love for your own being which will help you place yourself over others.

It is so bitter to have to choose to either love yourself or love someone else as the two cannot coexist due to lack of efforts from the other side and if you are facing that choice between yourself and someone, are you loved by that someone and do you love yourself if you choose to stay?

Cannot survive alone!

3/100

Can I start by saying that when I opened the blog post to write a new one I was so excited that I am doing a third one already, I MADE IT TO THREE!! However, as soon as I typed 3/100 I realized I have a LONG way to go still, it’s just three!

Anyway, what are your thoughts about meeting people and spending time with them? Friends, family or colleagues. I mean how does the prospect make you feel? For me it depends on situation, meeting immediate family and best/close friends is always a joyful event that I look upto but meeting distant relatives or colleagues just causes anxiety. To add to this, I think covid has changed something related to this aspect inside me. From looking forward to meeting people I love, now I yearn it. I know we keep in touch digitally and how it is the need of the hour to stay put at home but not being able to feel warmth of people we love, do baseless talks, jokes or just be in silence around friends and family is a joy that has been snatched due to covid. In bigger scheme of things, it is a very small price to pay for human life I agree but does not mean it hurts less.

I am particularly touchy about this today because a couple of friends who stay near us dropped in to say hello and I felt so nice. There was nothing out of the ordinary that happened, we just ate, chilled, joked and that’s that. Yet, it made me exceptionally happy that I saw another human, other than my husband (for him, I, anyway, am thankful but this just hit different bro). I know it will take a lot of time for things to get back to “normal”, we have been told this is the new “normal” but can universe just allow us these small joys every now and then without causing anyone any harm? Surely, that is not too much I ask.