It’s Sunday, my weekend is almost over and while I expected it to be the happiest time, sadly it was a mix with sadness and anxiety overpowering the happiness.
On Friday night, I was on call with my best friend who was considering to go to a “private party” the next day and I made it absolutely clear that she should not (for obvious reasons). You know I have always believed if you explain things to people logically (which honestly was not even needed as it is pretty obvious), they will understand. This has been a brilliant reality check for me. People will do shit even when you nicely tell them not to. My advise and concern fell on deaf ears. What’s worse? I actually called her the next day because I REALLY needed to speak with her and the phone was “out of network area”. I knew she’d gone to that party. She had her reasons and while everyone is at their own discretion, I don’t think people care when they do something that is illegal or should I say, criminal? Considering the circumstances. If you are out partying in a pandemic, it is illegal and if you come out unscathed it is sheer luck and while very good for you, it still does not change that what you did was shitty.
The gist of it is that someone in their group needed a “mental break” and forced them to go. I’d call this emotional blackmail and would definitely question the said friendship. Is it friendship if you pressurize your “friends” to commit something that is not just illegal but also life threatening? Either my definitions are misplaced or they actually believe in “friends that die with/for each other”. News flash, you won’t die alone and that is the ENTIRE PROBLEM. If this goes haywire, you will be putting others at risk too. Now, how selfish can someone be who does not care about others because they need a “mental break”? If I have to be absolutely honest, the entire situation disgusts me. To add some color, these people have closed ones that have been infected severely with covid. If seeing the impact on people they love did not stop them, what would? Come to think of it, I was naive to have even asked them to not go. Why the fuck would they listen to me when staring at the damn virus taught them nothing? People like these are a problem bigger than covid. Even a small adjustment like “staying the fuck home” is something these privileged people will not do. It is hurtful, stupid, irresponsible and selfish. Who am I kidding? If they can ignore advise, what will this rant do? Naive again.
Lastly, I would really like if people stopped throwing “mental health” as an excuse to do shitty things. You being anxious or needing a mental break DOES NOT HAVE TO COINCIDE with breaking law and risking others. This could have been solved in tons of other ways but no, they chose this with complete knowledge of how wrong they are. If I broke the law, I would not be able to sleep at night. Forget me, I know my family would be anxious for entire 15 days (the risk period to be infected if you go party without a mask) if I went. I could never ever put someone through this because I wanted a break. All your talks of positivity, being nice, caring and keeping things happy are useless if you cannot keep your ass home during a pandemic. What a sad day for humanity!
How many punches can someone take? Not literal ones or okay as a metaphor let’s say literal ones. How many can one take? There is a limit to it, right? One is bound to fall and feel the pain. Such is life, some would say. However, why is life so unfair to some people? Some face a lot more punches from life than others. Some people learn to overcome it, some glorify pain and some just don’t know what to do with it. If you check the definition of pain “sadness that you feel when something bad has happened”, it hardly covers the depth of the word. “Something bad”, it feels so meager. Pain comes with dark and annoying thoughts, pain comes with a feeling of failure and loss, pain comes with someone else’s sadness, pain comes with someone else’s happiness too, pain makes us act out, pain comes with helplessness. A word that describes so many terrifying things cannot have a simple definition.
There is no rulebook on how to deal with pain. Mental health is the worst affected when you are in pain. If you think about this logically, mental health is what needs to be attended to, whether you are in pain or not. You must seek a therapist, you must speak to people who will listen and who you think might help. This is all very easily said but application? Not so easy. One who experiences pain does not always think logically and they cannot be expected to think straight. Yes, talking to someone helps but they might not wish to talk to anyone. When in pain, everything can seem like a task and it drains you physically and mentally, so to additionally explain someone else why and what happened can be a huge task. When you add this to the fact that someone has had to face this particular punch from life multiple times, you cannot imagine the pain this can cause. I have read it how they explain in books, pain so deep that it cannot be described.
It’s really difficult to know this and yet to just let people be because that is what they wish. It is also incredibly selfish in a way that we want to know and help just so we can cure our anxiety about them. If you have done your best but somehow feel that there is something you have missed and some resentment from the other side, even then we need to let people be. Yes, you care but that is secondary. Yes, you love them but that too is secondary. Everything is secondary to what the person who is in pain wants. That resentment against you can be solved when they are in a better frame of mind, since there is so much love, you must wait. Sometimes, all you can do is wait. Be on standby silently and wait for them to return.
Would like to end with a slight tweak in one of my most favorite quotes, “What do we say to the darkness? Not today”
I am sure I have penned on similar topic earlier as well as this is one of the constant struggles I face and even something I am sensitive about.
Isn’t it weird that even though we know we are loved by our closed ones but we still need to feel loved? I am not entirely sure, if it is a want or a need. I am hoping I am not alone that struggles with this. Yes, it is amazing to have people who love you, knowing that they love you. It is a blessing. However, it’s only human nature to expect that feeling to be validated once in a while.
I don’t think it is the big fat gestures that do the deed, it is the genuine admission of love when least expected, it is making someone feel like they are a part of your life, involving them in those small things you do, sharing mundane thoughts that cross your head with them. It’s all this for me. People who yearn to feel loved always make others feel loved, isn’t it? However, the major disbalance occurs when the person who does this is taken for granted and there is nothing from the other side. People want you to believe that they love you and yet there will be no effort from their end towards the same, it is really hard to stick around then. You just need to hang on to the words that there is love. It is only when there is a revolt that they will rush to prove that they love you too, that is neither fair nor is it love. It is just the need for that person to continue showering love on you that is making you do this.
If you genuinely consider this human need to feel loved, it also stems from lack of self love. I don’t think this is true entirely, but to major extent it does seem correct. It is said that if you love yourself, you will not need others to show you love. While I agree that we can be happy if we love ourselves, I would still say we need other humans, their love and support. Self love is important as it is the only thing which will push you to know when must you step up and leave. It is that love for your own being which will help you place yourself over others.
It is so bitter to have to choose to either love yourself or love someone else as the two cannot coexist due to lack of efforts from the other side and if you are facing that choice between yourself and someone, are you loved by that someone and do you love yourself if you choose to stay?
Can I start by saying that when I opened the blog post to write a new one I was so excited that I am doing a third one already, I MADE IT TO THREE!! However, as soon as I typed 3/100 I realized I have a LONG way to go still, it’s just three!
Anyway, what are your thoughts about meeting people and spending time with them? Friends, family or colleagues. I mean how does the prospect make you feel? For me it depends on situation, meeting immediate family and best/close friends is always a joyful event that I look upto but meeting distant relatives or colleagues just causes anxiety. To add to this, I think covid has changed something related to this aspect inside me. From looking forward to meeting people I love, now I yearn it. I know we keep in touch digitally and how it is the need of the hour to stay put at home but not being able to feel warmth of people we love, do baseless talks, jokes or just be in silence around friends and family is a joy that has been snatched due to covid. In bigger scheme of things, it is a very small price to pay for human life I agree but does not mean it hurts less.
I am particularly touchy about this today because a couple of friends who stay near us dropped in to say hello and I felt so nice. There was nothing out of the ordinary that happened, we just ate, chilled, joked and that’s that. Yet, it made me exceptionally happy that I saw another human, other than my husband (for him, I, anyway, am thankful but this just hit different bro). I know it will take a lot of time for things to get back to “normal”, we have been told this is the new “normal” but can universe just allow us these small joys every now and then without causing anyone any harm? Surely, that is not too much I ask.
We completed 3 months of marriage recently (no, neither of us track it. It’s my sweetheart of a mom who sends me wishes each month and that is how I know). So anyway, I thought this is the best chance to expose and make fun of my “husband” (I swear I am not used to using this word). I have the occasion, I have the content so why not make the post out of it.
Let me start with a small description. He is tall, dark and very handsome and his first impression on people usually is that he is a “man of few words”, shy and a very quiet person. Oh and my favorite (hate it) assumption about him that people make, he is sweet. The only correct thing here is that he talks less. Everything else is just something people assume because he does not bother to correct them. He is a sly man. Time to spill some beans, he is dumb, forgetful, organized (ugh) and a milder version of Monica with regards to cleanliness. I sometimes think he keeps the mop and broom right besides him as it takes him nanoseconds to clean if something gets dirty. Last night we were watching harry potter (his first time) and he fell asleep (who does that????). I, obviously, tried to wake him up from his deep sleep by uttering the words “I am gonna eat on bed and let all the crumbs fall” and what I got from him was “noooooo” in a sleepy voice as he tried to reach for me, he gave up after few seconds and went back to sleep. Oh, he loves his sleep. One night I had a bout of intense coughing right in middle of my sleep. I sat up, tried drinking water and it hardly subsided. I lied back on bed again and this man who is sleeping besides me me, realizes there is some noise, does not bother opening his eyes and reaches for my throat (yep, you read it right) and starts pressing (kind of massaging??) my throat, almost making me choke. I had to yank his hand off me. Now a normal person would have rubbed my back, not him though. He is either dumb or wants to kill me (Lol). His idea of making my back better is to press my hands standing behind me and lifting me up. I am not going to bother you with my thoughts on it. He farts and then says “ooh that was a good one no?”. He eats my share of food without realizing and then says, “oh, you did not eat that?”.
I can go on but then he just hugged me as he came to sit besides me and I just found out that it is a bit hard to make fun of a guy who is hugging you. I don’t want to poke the man who waters my plants, heats our food, deals with my crazy demands (atleast tries) and remembers my medicine more than me. I am sure you have the idea by now so this should be enough, oh I cannot wait for his reaction to this!
PS: if you did not understand the title, watch FRIENDS!
Anyone who is a big fan of FRIENDS would have understood this reference. While Jennifer Anniston is my favorite actress, I really did not like the character of Rachel per say. I loved how Jennifer acted and could watch her scenes on repeat but Rachel? Nah. I think that is the reason when Monica decided to move in with Chandler and she tells Rachel about it which ends at this sentence “It’s like an end of an era!”, I did not really feel anything.
I was like, they are still going to hang together. She was not even moving anywhere far. But now, when I am stepping into something new I am very scared that I will fade out. Very very scared. I love my friends, A LOT! While I know adulting involves more and more responsibilities, changes are bound to happen. However, I don’t want anything to impact my friendship with them. So, I will be moving a little far from them physically and I naturally am scared that this would push me away emotionally too. Frankly, I have not been great at long distance relationships. Whether those were friendships or love affairs. It is not like I have lost those people, no. It is just not the same. While the distance is really not that much, COVID has just made it worse. I know I am always going to try my best to be as involved (or even more) as I am but there is something about change that nags at the back of my mind. It scares me that I have no idea how things will unfold.
I have always been scared of change to be honest, not in the way that I don’t like it but in the way that I don’t want to lose myself in that change. And well, I could never be complete without the presence of my loved ones. So it is really selfish if you think about it, I don’t want to lose them so that I can preserve myself!
Let me end on a quote by Joey, “There is no such thing as a Selfless Good Deed”. Do you agree with him? Do tell!
Starting by saying that I have a headache because I cried myself silly this evening and penning this is hard. Guess I want to accept that somedays you can feel how I felt today and then it is okay. As someone rightly said to me, it is temporary. I am already a bit better and the only reminder of that bad feeling is this headache.
While I accept how I felt, I also need to accept why I felt it. One of the biggest things I am insecure about is the way I shop. I am not good at it, I am lazy and also very concious about what I choose. I am lucky to have a partner who likes to shop and helps me with it. However, today I went shopping for something big with my mom. My mom loves me in everything so I wanted my friends to come with me but it was too last minute and it just did not work out. Anyway, I wanted their yes for what I was shopping before finalizing. I sent them the pictures and wrapped up in my insecurity I forgot that they can be held up and busy too. When I did not get the validation I was seeking to calm my insecurity, I felt let down. Now, I am happy I conveyed this to them and it was sorted out but not proud of how quickly my brain reacted to their absence. I have realized how I could have communicated in a much kinder way and also been kind to myself by not jumping to conclusions. I cried for hours only to realize how silly and baseless my thoughts were.
When we are insecure, we forget to apply one basic rule, “you are loved”. You know how Dumbledore says “if only one remembers to turn on the light”, that’s what we need the most. While I am saying it so easily, hoping for this light when wrapped in that gnawing and nagging feeling is the hardest thing. But then, the most human thing to do is to try and I shall try!