I was really happy with the title of this blog post, considering it took a lot time to come up with something as basic as this, but now I think it seems rather ominous. A complete contrast to what I wanted this title to be. Serves me right for procrastinating writing this for so long.
So, coming back to point, what starts today?! *drum rolllll* My journey to blog for 100 days daily!!!! I got the inspiration to do this from my best friend (who got inspiration from one of my blogs so this is like our blogging coming to a full circle). I have been planning on this for ages now but I just kept delaying it for some or the other reason. Wondering what changed for me to finally start this? My head is full, thoughts are overflowing and I want to bring them out in a systematic manner.
Question : What’s better than conversing loud with myself for 100 days and hoping something amazing comes out of it? Answer : Lying on bed and staring at the ceiling questioning all the past and future life decisions. (Just being sarcastic, incase you missed it)
As I start on this VERY DIFFICULT task, my first and foremost fear is I will give up midway!!!! It will break my heart but I don’t think I am disciplined enough to do this. It won’t be the first time if I give up. It is also one of the reasons I want to reach the finish line for this one, to bring some discipline and routine in my life!!! Being in India right now is not exactly ideal and I am hoping this journey will help document my emotions and cope with them too. Oddly enough, I am more optimistic about this entire thing than I was when I started penning this post. So then I guess, it does start today!
Even if you are a remotely optimistic person, new year brings in hopes. Very hard not to fall for new beginnings, plan stuff, get organized and make the list to, somewhat, direct your life or year towards things you love. I try that each year, not very hard, but I try. This year, I am a little more motivated and enthusiastic towards it. I have a few targets in mind for this year. While some people like to talk about targets, visualize goals and put it out there, I am someone who likes to talk about things after they are done. Weird? Maybe. But it is what it is.
Why write this post if I am not going to visualize or spell it out? Because it has been almost two months and I am not entirely failing. I am happy about it. I am not succeeding yet but hey, small wins. Gotta enjoy them. So, I want document this trivial achievement of me not giving up. Things that have really kept me going are
Setting smaller goals
Showing love to myself and mybody
Taking it slow
Trying to get into a routine
Even though I cannot talk about my goals, I have the perfect way to still track them and that is through the Belief jar. On my birthday in Jan end, I received a belief jar as a gift and I was SO happy. It is the cutest thing and came to me at the right time. I am going to manifest the things I want and that jar is going to be my source of happiness, positivity and motivation. I am completely surprised how much in love I am with it and how did my best friend know that it is what I needed.
Here’s hoping I will do complete justice to it and enjoy the process!
I am an only child. To top it, I was brought up mostly by my grandmother as both my parents were working. Since childhood, I loved being with myself. I was used to it. I still remember coming home from school, grandmom serving me lunch in her half sleepy state and then she dozed off while I had all the time to myself until my mother came in from her job in evening. I read, danced, watched tv, slept. I never missed someone’s company. I never wanted to visit a friend, I remember being upset if someone came in during those hours. Now, years later, I am struggling to find that time which is just mine to spend.
To clarify, I love living with the man I have married. Absolutely. He gives me as much space I want. He is not the problem, well technically no one here is a problem. It’s just that my parents miss me and his parents expect us to be around them and we both want to spend time with our friends too, mix that all and it is one messy dish called my life. Hah! Let’s go through my day in a gist. I wake up, have breakfast and either read or watch something before I start my work around noonish, we have lunch, we have dinner, I wrap up work, we chill for a bit, I read to sleep. If I look at it like that, I do have morning and night to be by myself but before marriage I had whole weekends too. Now? No, I do not have them to myself.
I don’t want to come out wrong, I love being with my family and his family but I miss my day of lying in bed ALL DAY ALONE DOING NOTHING. Call it unproductive but oh was that fun! I miss it so much. I hate adulting. No one warned me that adulting will involve answering so many calls. Ugh. I just want to be a kid that no one bothers or pays attention to. No one has huge expectations and you don’t hurt anyone. Just study, be a good kid and they will let you be by yourself. I work hard, I am a fairly okay person too I guess and yet, no one lets me be by myself now.
Ah, people have grave problems and I am just sulking for some time to waste. Maybe I still am a kid that way!
Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.
I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?
So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.
I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.
As someone who has started and failed a lot at getting fit, I am very happy to announce that I AM TRYING AGAIN! I am a bit ashamed at my earlier attempts but I am excited that I am still trying!!! Okay maybe let’s not say I have failed at earlier attempts but I have definitely slacked. When we could go outside (who even remembers how that feels) and I used to commute for my job, I did not need to conciously work on keeping my body active. I guess this is the same story for majority of us. Lockdown and my feeble attempts have made one thing clear though, I WANT TO STAY FIT. My definition of fit might be timid but ya I want to be fit as per me.
So, for this attempt, I am planning to start slow. I will start by walking and my initial 3 day target is 3k steps a day. I gradually plan to take this to 10k a day and then include some more small exercises. Exercising without a standard goal that I can see visibly being achieved has not worked for me, so I have decided to use Google Fit and track my work. I was so ecstatic when I realized my target for today has been achieved and it was genuinely very easy. Like I was not tired, infact I wanted to do more. Maybe because I was motivated? Whatever the reason, I am very happy. It drastically made my day better. But then, we are in lockdown and I know that I could be a mental mess tomorrow and not do anything. That is the reason I am posting this, to remind myself that I have made a commitment and I need to keep it. Here’s to hoping I do keep it.
Just thought of something that seems funny to me, I always keep the commitments I make to others and not when I have made a commitment to myself. Guess I got to change that.
Also, let me know if there is a better app to track this? Also, what more can I include which is not overwhelming but still helps?
This post is about something I have learned only sometime ago (probably thanks to the man I am dating) and want to share it, as it might help others.
When we shop, we look for great deals, amazing discounts, bulk offers etc etc. A sale makes me as happy as the next person. But even otherwise, when you shop from a brand and there is no available discount you either buy the product as is or don’t. You don’t insist on a discount. Why? It’s a “brand” and that is not how it works. Meaning, we pay them as much as they demand. All of our bargaining and discount skills are instead used when we shop from small local vendors or in vegetable market. We demand price be reduced from people who probably earn less than us, all the while paying in full (very happily) to people who are already rich. Do you see the error in our ways? I am in no way suggesting that those small stores are not putting a huge margin, they expect us to bargain and they have the cost added up to it. We all know that. However, we also know the fair cost and sometimes (just for the kick) we argue for a further reduction. I, personally, am guilty of insisting on getting a better deal on an already nice offer. What’s worse? All this with people who barely make minimum wage, I did not know better and I do now. I believe it is okay to pay 100-200 bucks more to people. It mighy make a huge difference to them, even when the product is not actually worth that much. Be kind, the feeling makes up for the small cost.
The last part of this post will be something which is very obvious, this is not a personal learning but just a mention that this should not be done. There are many small business who are literally a team of two or three and sometimes even one person who is putting in all the efforts, to help you with end product of your choice. This could be a retail product or service that they provide. Their work needs appreciation as it is very tiring and self made. When you are considering dealing with such businesses, do not ghost them. You don’t want it, you must communicate and leave. It makes no sense to give them the notion of being interested and then ghosting them. Evil!
Be kind, tip big, don’t bargain to the point where it is silly and communicate your intentions. It is not that difficult.