Why?!

42/100

One of those days that I have to reach out to things I have penned down in past as a reminder. Sometimes, what I write, reminds me of why I do or behave the way I do. It is exactly what below did for me. I needed to read it, maybe you do too.

It is weird how 90% of the time my thoughts are so haphazard and haywire that I never know where or how to start. Alongwith it, there is an issue of starting with something and straying away from it. It can be very exhausting for the reader, I know. What I want to say today is one such thing which will have me wavering off many times because that is how vast the topic is, but I shall make an honest attempt to convey it precisely. Conscience. What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you read this word? Do comment and share it.

My first reaction is that having a conscience is very draining and demanding. It makes it hard for you to sleep at night but it is also what makes you sleep peacefully, you try to overanalyze things just to make sure there is no other way you could have handled it and until you get that assurance that you did the right thing, you have a sinking feeling in your stomach for even the most trivial mistake done. Even when you do something right but it hurts someone, you feel bad about it. Is it just me or is that how it works? If I did the right thing, why do I end up feeling like shit sometimes? Don’t tell me right or wrong is subjective. No amount of subjectivity can make a wrong, right. So what is it? And how does this work when people we love are involved? When they refuse to see sense and the only option left is to be stringent. God forbid if unknowingly or in a fit or frustration or anger my words hurt anyone, they won’t be the only ones hurt. I know I am in for a lot of brooding sleepless nights over it too. Now imagine someone you absolutely love, imagine them blaming you for something very bad and that which you have never done but have been misunderstood for. Too bad right? It is a nightmare because first we need to make our peace with what has happened and it doesn’t end there because we have to make the other person understand and see the right. Now some would say why bother if we know we are right, it’s because you’d want the other person to clear it out had the situation been reversed and more importantly because you love them. This is the ideal way to deal with it but how many of us do it? We become that stubborn kid who’d rather say ‘I don’t want to do it’ than admitting ‘It is too difficult for me to do’ for the lack of better metaphor. So if it is so problematic, why to have such an active conscience? Life would be a lot easier if we cut ourself a little slack, no? Now in my head I know why it is important, I have been brought up and conditioned that way. But it is one of those times where it is becoming extremely difficult to remember what good comes out of it. So for any of you going through the same, do it because you deserve to feel the way a good and pure hearted person does. And boy, what a feeling that is!