I have been reading Murakami’s books this month and if there is something that sticks to me significantly from his books is the way the characters talk to each other. The conversations are so stimulating, enlightening, deep and they tell us about what a person feels. You connect with character, empathize and understand it. I know it is fiction but won’t having those conversations with people we love really help us? We will be able to understand them and isn’t that what eventually each of us wants? To be understood. I am not saying what you talk needs to be dark or deep, it can be quirky, humorous, something you saw, something you read, something that stayed with you. A conversation where you share a piece of yourself with someone. Conversations can be about something that gives you sleepless nights or that one gesture you saw in a movie that you absolutely loved.
Not everyone can talk with clarity of feelings and thoughts, I know that. There are so many layers to this topic. There are people who don’t understand what they feel or their own thoughts, there are people who don’t care about their thoughts and just follow the herd, there are people who want to talk but are not good at it and there are also people who understand, can talk and want to do it but they don’t have anyone to talk to. This is so layered and I am pretty sure I have not covered it completely. Hah! How then should we expect to have these meaningful and stimulating conversations? I thought about my reason for not making these honest conversations as frequently, it is fear of being misunderstood or laughed at. I have shown love to people who are not kind, helped people who ended up belittling me and both of these were people I tried to have good conversations with. Weirds me out how when I thought of what has hurt me, these two instances came to my mind. In all honesty, I thought I had gotten over this and did not care about these people but writing this piece tells me that maybe the hurt is still there.
That brings me to my next point, writing is also a conversation. One that we have with ourself. It can reveal things which we have sub conciously burried, not necessarily sad thoughts, happy ones too. We must pen down our thoughts and spend time with them. Honest conversations can make you as happy, full and light at the same time as witnessing the golden hour on a mountain top. You will be left with a memory to revisit. I will end this with a quote I absolutely love.
Night air, good conversation, and a sky full of stars can heal almost any wound. ~ Beau Taplin
Even if you are a remotely optimistic person, new year brings in hopes. Very hard not to fall for new beginnings, plan stuff, get organized and make the list to, somewhat, direct your life or year towards things you love. I try that each year, not very hard, but I try. This year, I am a little more motivated and enthusiastic towards it. I have a few targets in mind for this year. While some people like to talk about targets, visualize goals and put it out there, I am someone who likes to talk about things after they are done. Weird? Maybe. But it is what it is.
Why write this post if I am not going to visualize or spell it out? Because it has been almost two months and I am not entirely failing. I am happy about it. I am not succeeding yet but hey, small wins. Gotta enjoy them. So, I want document this trivial achievement of me not giving up. Things that have really kept me going are
Setting smaller goals
Showing love to myself and mybody
Taking it slow
Trying to get into a routine
Even though I cannot talk about my goals, I have the perfect way to still track them and that is through the Belief jar. On my birthday in Jan end, I received a belief jar as a gift and I was SO happy. It is the cutest thing and came to me at the right time. I am going to manifest the things I want and that jar is going to be my source of happiness, positivity and motivation. I am completely surprised how much in love I am with it and how did my best friend know that it is what I needed.
Here’s hoping I will do complete justice to it and enjoy the process!
I am an only child. To top it, I was brought up mostly by my grandmother as both my parents were working. Since childhood, I loved being with myself. I was used to it. I still remember coming home from school, grandmom serving me lunch in her half sleepy state and then she dozed off while I had all the time to myself until my mother came in from her job in evening. I read, danced, watched tv, slept. I never missed someone’s company. I never wanted to visit a friend, I remember being upset if someone came in during those hours. Now, years later, I am struggling to find that time which is just mine to spend.
To clarify, I love living with the man I have married. Absolutely. He gives me as much space I want. He is not the problem, well technically no one here is a problem. It’s just that my parents miss me and his parents expect us to be around them and we both want to spend time with our friends too, mix that all and it is one messy dish called my life. Hah! Let’s go through my day in a gist. I wake up, have breakfast and either read or watch something before I start my work around noonish, we have lunch, we have dinner, I wrap up work, we chill for a bit, I read to sleep. If I look at it like that, I do have morning and night to be by myself but before marriage I had whole weekends too. Now? No, I do not have them to myself.
I don’t want to come out wrong, I love being with my family and his family but I miss my day of lying in bed ALL DAY ALONE DOING NOTHING. Call it unproductive but oh was that fun! I miss it so much. I hate adulting. No one warned me that adulting will involve answering so many calls. Ugh. I just want to be a kid that no one bothers or pays attention to. No one has huge expectations and you don’t hurt anyone. Just study, be a good kid and they will let you be by yourself. I work hard, I am a fairly okay person too I guess and yet, no one lets me be by myself now.
Ah, people have grave problems and I am just sulking for some time to waste. Maybe I still am a kid that way!