Let me start by asking whoever is reading this, what is cinema to you?
If there is something I have missed dearly since March 2020, it is being able to go to the theater and be a part of a new world everytime. I love movies. For me, cinema is meant to be an escape as well as a mirror. Sometimes, I am looking for an escape from the real world, the real problems and I just want to watch something magical, sappy and feel good. Some other times, I am looking to watch something which has a message for everyone and shows what is going on with world. Either ways, films never disappoint. You can count on them to make you feel happy, sad and my favorite feeling magical. I have related to Kabir saying “main rukna nahi chahta”, fallen for more characters than I can count and believed that Avengers can save the world. Call me filmy only because I am one.
I know not all movies live upto expectations but the experience is always precious. Always. It could be you watching the movie alone or with bunch of people you love or movie with your date. The joke cracked or an anecdote shared during a relatable scene, it really tells you a little more about the person you are with. If you are someone who loves to be silent during the movie, the movie itself is your experience. I have loved watching alone, with my friends, with my boyfriend and with my family. Why am I so emotional about cinema today? Because I recently got to watch a movie in theater after almost a YEAR. And it was with my…umm…HUSBAND! Haha. Feels so weird to call him that!
Even the anticipation of the watching a movie at the big screen after such a humongous gap had me grinning so much! What made it EXTRA special was that I saw Wonder Woman – 1984! Not only do I love Gal Gadot insanely but I had forgotten how magical movie watching is! I REALLY needed it so much. Although I was wearing my mask for most parts and sitting at a distance (never forgetting Corona huh), it still helped to escape the problems surrounding us and took me to 1984 with The Wonder Woman. The movie is amazing and the experience made me supremely happy. I was almost giddy by the end of it. The feeling I was missing for so long. It brought back the wonder I have always had during movies. How did they think of this? How did they shoot this? The witty dialogs, the amazing acting, mind blowing direction and picturesque scenes. There really is no better satisfaction than watching a nicely made movie! I hope I don’t have to wait this long for next one.
It’s my favorite month! Yayyy! I love January, I do think it is the best month. It is hardly to do with the fact that it is but my birth month. Maybe some part of it is related to the fact but majorly it is because January always feels so fresh. It indicates start of something new, we are all excited with high hopes and high spirits! Most importantly, I always have some trip planned during this time. That makes it my most favorite time of the year. That and ofcourse winter season. I mean, in bombay, we hardly feel cold but all the same I love it.
However, right now it is not cold and it breaks my heart that I have nothing planned, no trip in sight so far. It just makes me sad every now and then. I know there are bigger worries but a heart wants what it wants! Waking up anxious every morning even though I only fall asleep because I am tired of thinking and overthinking how this entire year could be a dud because of how it has started. There are some parts which are good but when what you love the most goes wrong, the other niceties just fade. You know what I mean? All I want is to not have my head so heavy and anxious all the time. It is starting to physically hurt.
Sometimes I think it is also because I expected this year to be extra special, every occasion of this year to be celebrated by doing what we like, doing what makes us happy. I hate celebrating my birthday, I do, which is why I always planned a trip and ran away to places where no one knows it’s my birthday. It served two purposes, I was traveling and no one around fussed about birthday. It was the only way I looked forward to my birthday, every year. Since last 6 to 7 years or maybe more. It was either that or I went to work where no one knows my birthday. That is the tradition. While 2021 is a small milestone for me personally, clearly universe has other plans. I dread each day as I get closer to my birthday about being forced to celebrate it. The anxiety is real and it makes me weep.
Ugh, this post is so sad, I hope I write again soon in this month itself and have something nicer to say. I really don’t want January to be like this. It sucks.
Getting married is suppose to be a huge thing, but it is huge in different ways for different people. No matter who tells you how HUGE this step is, you decide your huge. The step is most impactful and life changing for the couple and their immediate family. Others are just making noise, either because they are happy or just because it is a norm.
I have been putting off discussing how huge or HUGE it has been for me. This post has been written maybe a month ago or more? Like when I was not married. I never could post it because it would have made what was happeneing too real and I din want that, I guess?
So, when did it hit me that I am taking this life-altering, painful yet happy step? It was one fine morning, maybe a month before wedding, when something happened which happens daily but that morning it hit me hard that it won’t happen after my marriage and oh my god, I hated that feeling. It sank my stomach, welled up my eyes and just made me chuck the whole thing, I mean the marriage. What exactly happened that morning you would ask? So, we have two bathrooms at my house. One is the common one and one is attached to my room (yep, pampered). So to avoid morning rush where mom and dad both are getting ready, my mom usually uses my bathroom. Daily, after taking the bath before exiting the room, my mom pauses besides my bed and runs her hands over my head, while I am sleeping. Praying for me, showering love and just simply being a mom. Now, I didn’t feel this daily because somedays I slept too deep to wake up from touch but on the days that I did feel it, I don’t think I have ever felt more loved in any other moments of my life. I know, I know, mom’s love cannot be compared and all that but to have that feeling hit you one month before marriage and to realize you will not feel this after you leave? H-EFFING-UGE!!!!!! Ever since that, while I penned my feelings, while I thought about it, while I imagined what it would be like being married, I just felt like bawling my eyes out!!! Nothing prepares you for this, no matter how much you know or how strong you are, to realize that you will not have a constant touch of your mom. It is a terrible realization.
I know this seems cruel and sad but for what it is worth, now when I have made the move I like living with the guy I love and we are building a new life together. So there is that to look forward to. Does not make up for that lost feeling, nothing would make up for that.