Starting by saying that I have a headache because I cried myself silly this evening and penning this is hard. Guess I want to accept that somedays you can feel how I felt today and then it is okay. As someone rightly said to me, it is temporary. I am already a bit better and the only reminder of that bad feeling is this headache.
While I accept how I felt, I also need to accept why I felt it. One of the biggest things I am insecure about is the way I shop. I am not good at it, I am lazy and also very concious about what I choose. I am lucky to have a partner who likes to shop and helps me with it. However, today I went shopping for something big with my mom. My mom loves me in everything so I wanted my friends to come with me but it was too last minute and it just did not work out. Anyway, I wanted their yes for what I was shopping before finalizing. I sent them the pictures and wrapped up in my insecurity I forgot that they can be held up and busy too. When I did not get the validation I was seeking to calm my insecurity, I felt let down. Now, I am happy I conveyed this to them and it was sorted out but not proud of how quickly my brain reacted to their absence. I have realized how I could have communicated in a much kinder way and also been kind to myself by not jumping to conclusions. I cried for hours only to realize how silly and baseless my thoughts were.
When we are insecure, we forget to apply one basic rule, “you are loved”. You know how Dumbledore says “if only one remembers to turn on the light”, that’s what we need the most. While I am saying it so easily, hoping for this light when wrapped in that gnawing and nagging feeling is the hardest thing. But then, the most human thing to do is to try and I shall try!