A bad apple!

“Hi doctor”.

“Hi, so what’s the issue”.

“This is my regular check up. No issues per say. Although my periods are delayed but that is because of hormonal disorder for which I am already being treated”

“Late hua hai period? Are you sexually active?”

“Yes and yes (beetroot red)”

“Are you married?”

“No”

“Pregnancy ho gayi toh kya karogi? Test kia hai? Shaadi kab hai?” (All this after I have mentioned that I have been diagnosed for hormonal disorder)

“I–” (I was too stumped at the questions so literally dumbed out for a min)

“TEST KAR LO BETTER HAI. Now, anyway, let’s do your regular checkup”

I awkwardly stared at the other girl (probably a nurse) to leave before my check up starts.

“Wahan pant and panties utar kar let jao” (yep that was her sentence).

I highlighted that the door is not locked, upon which the nurse went and shut it. I am till date thankful to that girl who was nursing there as she made sure I had (whatever little) privacy I could get. I went to the farthest corner, undid my pants and laid down for check up (this was obviously my first time with this doctor and I was scared to death)

She came, checked my clit very roughly and started taking out medical instruments which looked very scary and when I said “give me a min to process and tell me what you are doing” she said and I quote “sex kia hai na and iss se issue horaha hai”. She went on to do the checkup without pausing.

Post which she just went to clean her hands and asked me to get dressed. She simultaneously called for next patient, while I was still on the stretcher, half naked. Nonetheless, I dashed for my clothes and out of the room once I wore them within seconds.

It was not hurtful, physically I mean. Just scary and traumatizing. Just. Till this date, I have no idea whether I can say with assurity that I was violated. I felt violated, that is for sure. But was I violated? I don’t know. Why am I unsure? Let’s see, so she was a woman, a doctor and the last person I should have to lie to or hide facts from. Yet, I felt that I was judged, manhandled, humiliated and insulted. What deductions do I make? The only thing which seem to have rubbed her the wrong way was me having sex before marriage.

Now, hear me out. I am a girl, judgement and bias is nothing new for me. People have been biased AGAINST me a lot of times. I have expected it and handled it. Maybe even given it back to them then and there, whenever situation allowed me. So yeah, I am not timid. I know how orthodox mentality works. Still, I could not tell her how wrong she is. Because her stature caused me to doubt myself. What shook me and has me still shook is that she is educated, knowledgeable and her job is to treat me WITHOUT bias or judgement. The same is the condition with a lot gynaecologists in india and if being at such responsible job cannot make them understand, with what hope do I expect the ‘mohole wali’ aunty to be non judgemental?

I want to be hopeful and I want to understand where her judgments come from but my empathy is failing me here and I am not sure what to do about that.

10 thoughts on “A bad apple!

  1. Firstly a big big big THANKS for taking up this topic. I’ve read of so many incidents where the girls fear even consulting gynaecologist cos of this Orthodox mentality. And this is both wrong and harmful on so many levels. Firstly as a doctor you are expected to make your patient feel safe both mentally & physically. Coming to the point of sex … It’s 2020 nd idk how to explain that ‘consent’ and ‘legal age’ amongst two individuals are the only essential required for sex. Little off the topic but considering marriage as license for sex also encourages crime like marital rapes. So in conclusion the society and especially the educated lots like gynaecologist need to have a thorough introspection on what should be treated as crime & what shouldn’t.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Honestly I’ve stopped expecting maturity and humility from people based on their education nd stature. Cos as we can read from your incident… huge stature does come with huge responsibility and power but most of them ignore the former part and just get overwhelmed the wrong way by the latter.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I remember vividly when you told me about this incident. Reading about it again filled me with the same amount of rage (possibly more) than when I heard about it the first time. She is a doctor, a gynecologist for heaven’s sake! She is the last person we would expect to judge us based on anything that’s considered remotely orthodox or unaccepted by our faulty society. Education never helps make sensible, emphatetic individuals and your post proves this fact in a hard hitting way. I’m extremely sorry for what you had to go through at this horrible gynaecologist’s place and proud that you brought this topic out for discussion. I don’t know how long it’ll take for our society to get over it’s orthodox mentality, talking about it surely can make us hopeful for a brighter future. Thank you for sharing this!!

    Liked by 2 people

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